Episode 12: The More You Know

[00:00:04] Another week! It does feel like only yesterday. We were just recording. Yeah! In these same seats. That's real. I just want to give a special shout out to Tiff at Creative Designs for these amazing hoodies that she made for us. Can you see it? No dysfunction here. Our first merch has arrived. They're like super comfy too. They're so soft. Big fan.

[00:00:32] Yeah, Tiff stuff is always high quality. So if you're looking for custom shit, CreativeDesigns.org. Or clothes. No, .com! It doesn't have to be shit. You can get a lot of custom stuff. You can customize shit. Yeah. Sure. But it's not. We don't want to pigeonhole you into the shit. Yeah. I mean our logo is You Think It, We Create It. So yeah. Amazing. Steel. Literally engraving, embroidery, screen printing, you name it. It's awesome.

[00:01:00] We get the best presents in our family because they're all custom. When we go on family vacations, we all get matching merch. Literally. It's the best. The best way to reach. Concerts. That's right. True. Yep. We can't go out without being matchy. We are that family. Yeah. We really are. AJ and I have three pairs of magic shoes. We're all wearing McDonald's shirts. We should get a little crazier. Yeah. Like the Burger King burger and we're all just here for some Whoppers.

[00:01:30] Yeah. Why not? Or like thing one, thing two. Oh, there you go. Like all of us. Thing 12. Little journey. Aw. That's great. Yay. How are you guys doing? How was your week? It's been good. We have a new president. Congratulations guys. Oh my God. For sure. I did see a pretty funny, I don't think they're called tweets anymore. I don't know. I've never been on Twitter slash X. X's.

[00:02:00] But it was Caitlyn Jenner who was congratulating the president on the presidency and somebody left a comment that was like, he literally just told the government they have to call you Bruce now. Wow. That's so real. Like what the hell. Everybody's... Interesting. That's such a crazy thing, but it is what it is and hopefully we get through it. Things change. Things change again. Things keep changing. Yep. We'll be fine.

[00:02:29] For sure. We will be a okay truth. Yeah. I think. I didn't watch the inauguration. They better not ban Starburst. Yeah. We'll have a real problem. I love red dye. There's a fluffera of orange Starburst in our house and out of like chocolate bags, dark chocolate. Cause those are the two nobody wants. I think orange are my favorite. I don't even know what are we doing. I love pink. Pink's like my favorite Starburst.

[00:02:56] Remember when we had a Starburst party together in Puerto Rico where we sampled the Starburst and... Blindfolded? Yeah. Took turns describing the flavors. Oh, yes. That's right. That actually happened. No idea what we're talking about. There's a 45 minute video of... I couldn't show it to you. That was a baby sitting. Yeah, I remember. I remember. This is a different video. Are you trip sitting? Uh-huh. Good times. That's noble work. Yeah. Trip sitting.

[00:03:22] I felt like the wrong time to put a Starburst in my mouth, but it's so good. It makes you salivate so much. Are we now sponsored by Starburst? If you really like that one, you should try the red one. Is it cherry? We were just talking about those yesterday. Oh, no. Trump probably knows. The syrup ruined cherry flavored things, I feel like, for so many people we're discussing You are right. Speaking of, Trump probably knows. I did see today that he said he's gonna figure out what was up with the drones. He's gonna let us know.

[00:03:52] That was just the first thing. I know. I'm ready to figure out what those drones are. What's your best guess? Um... My best guess is that they're owned by the military. And they don't want to tell us what they're doing. That's my guess. But, I think there are a lot of options. I think it could be things. Well, it's a brief synopsis on the drone thing. Ah. For those who don't watch the news. They're everywhere, but the big part of the story was New Jersey. And everyone's like, even like the local officials are like,

[00:04:20] The White House won't tell us what's going on with the drones. And they keep telling us that what we're seeing isn't there and we should just ignore it. There were literally hundreds if not thousands of sightings of big like car sized drones scanning the land. Tons of them. Like all over the country, but the biggest population of them was in Jersey. And the news was like covering it up and people on TikTok were showing it. And then TikTok started burying those videos.

[00:04:50] So, people started calling the drones Dior bags just to get through the algorithm. Because all of these social media apps and the news are trying to cover up the fact that there are these giant drones scanning everywhere and nobody knows what they are. So, Donald Trump is like, I know what they are and I'm going to tell you on day one. So, we're on day two. We'll see if he actually has any information. So, we already lied? Oh my gosh, my brain, your mouth.

[00:05:21] It happens a lot in this room. That's what she said. The lying or the my brain, your mouth thing? Because I said that to you. Yeah, yesterday. When we definitely weren't recording an episode. Full disclosure. This is round two of this episode because the audio didn't work. So, here we are. And we'll see if we even get to our topic. Sometimes we don't. Because I feel like there's a lot to talk about. We have Trump, TikTok's back, CapCut came back today. Oh, sweet.

[00:05:50] We can't lump CapCut and TikTok together? Because we could do a separate subject for that. A whole episode. Yeah. I'm in. What is our episode again? Oh, I think I'd remember after two days in a row. What? What is it again? What I wish I had known. Or can you remember since you wouldn't have done anything different? Honestly, I don't have anything I would do differently per se. But did you guys have any regrets?

[00:06:18] I honestly think I did everything great. Yeah, I don't know what we talked about yesterday. No dysfunction here at all. But I think all of us were perfect. And no problems. Totally. Definitely things we would have done differently in divorce. And I think there's a lot to talk about. Yeah. So who's first? Who's gonna get it started? I will. What do we wish we would have known?

[00:06:46] I think one of the important things that I took from our conversation yesterday when we were recording is that to be mindful of what is said. Your children, regardless if they're like 2, 3, 21, 22. They have feelings. They hear. They sense. You know, you are their parents. So if you're gonna bicker in earshot, you know, our kids are gonna hear it.

[00:07:13] And that's really, really important because, you know, they know their mom and dad to love each other and to love them. And then when they hear a completely different tone or way of conversating, it can destroy them. And can be very, very traumatic. So that's not something I feel like I did do.

[00:07:33] But I just feel like that's something that people that are in these situations need to be very, very mindful because it is important to watch what comes out of your mouth. Absolutely. I agree. And it's, I don't think we talked about this really yesterday, but it's making me think of, it's not just about the words, you know? Like kids are very energy sensitive too and can tell when something's wrong and whatnot, you know?

[00:08:02] And just because you're not necessarily being negative about somebody else, the way you respond to things they say, the way you don't respond to things they say, can affect them greatly too.

[00:08:15] You know, it's, it's, we don't want to ever be inauthentic or not genuine, but there is a level of respect that you need to have in your energy and your words with your ex, with your kids that I'm sure I failed at a million times, you know? And learning it and trying to be better at it later on, you start to see the value in it where before it just felt like doesn't matter.

[00:08:43] And so having that awareness I think is helpful, has been for me. Better nurse, better nurse.

[00:08:51] It's, for me when I was thinking about what I wish I would have known, you know, and I mentioned this yesterday is that I think I did not have a proper awareness of the importance of both parents being equally involved in the kids lives.

[00:09:14] I think I, you know, because of my own control issues based in trauma and things that I just really was terrified of messing up motherhood and hurting my kids in any way. And I wanted to protect them so extremely that I didn't value Jake as their dad the way that I wish I would have and open to him and allowed him to.

[00:09:44] I just was like very critical of every time Jake was with the kids. I was I was high strong because I was scared. It's all based in love for your kids, but it's toxic and inappropriate. And so I was doing my best back then with what I knew. And there's so many days. I mean, I have battled shame, parental shame every day of my fucking life.

[00:10:12] It's hard to look back and see all the mistakes that you made, you know. And so I wish that I could go back with the awareness I have now and open myself and let go of control and trust my, you know, co-parent. And but I I didn't.

[00:10:36] And so the advice I would give someone who's going through this right now would be to recognize that you are 50 percent of the parenting equation and that even though the person that you are separating from parents differently has a totally different way of doing things.

[00:10:58] As long as those children are not being put in danger, it we need to open to the other parent, the other parent's way of doing things to acknowledge that that kids benefit when they have totally different things. It helps them to be adaptable and to learn different ways of thinking about and processing things. And so, yeah, that's that's a I have a ton of regrets, to be honest, about my parenting.

[00:11:26] I feel like I was a nightmare in so many ways and I have to live with that every day. And that's hard for me. And at the same time, I look at what I want my children to feel as parents. And I know that they will also fuck up because they're also human. Nobody is perfect. And do I want my children to be beating themselves up every day, living in depression and anxiety because of the pain they cause their children?

[00:11:53] Or do I want them trying to be as healthy and happy as they can and showing up for their kids in the way that they can and taking accountability for the mistakes that they've made? You know, shame doesn't help anything. And so I'm I'm trying to work through that and to forgive myself as a parent. And I think anyone who goes through a divorce has to go through that process of self-forgiveness. It feels like a monumental failure.

[00:12:22] You're failing your kids and you're failing your spouse. You're failing your fucking life when you get divorced. That's how I felt. And I literally went deep into an eating disorder and extreme depression, you know. So I hope that this podcast and bringing awareness can help other people be like, oh, I can do better. Absolutely. Beautifully said.

[00:12:45] I think along those lines, something I feel like I've learned throughout the parenting growth process is that it very much mirrors and resembles my own personal growth process. That a lot of the same principles that apply to what will make me happy, I find apply to what creates a healthier way to parent, which is not having the control and letting go and having acceptance for things around me.

[00:13:12] Not not thinking that the way I do things is the right way to do things because it works for me and acknowledging that there are different ways for everyone. And it might look different for you and you and me and whatever it is. And the more I became comfortable with not being as hard on myself and not saying, like, I need to do better. I need to do this different. I need to whatever. And more, you know, always trying to grow, always trying to be better, but actually feeling okay. Like, you know what?

[00:13:42] I did my best today and I and tomorrow I learned today what I want to do differently and tomorrow I'm going to try to do that differently. And I think that one thing that gets lost in the parenting mix is we're so focused on the kids and doing right by them, which is what should be happening. I mean, maybe not all the time, you know, like we've talked we talked yesterday. We'll talk about it today. I'm sure like what that process looks like of trying to focus on the kids while still being healthy for yourself.

[00:14:11] But it's just true, in my opinion, that the more you better yourself, the more you become a person who is doing their best and intentional and forgiving yourself. And again, getting back up and doing your best and being intentional again, the more it naturally relates to everyone around you, including your children and the rest of your family.

[00:14:35] It's what we do as human beings that people look at us for, not what we say, not what we talk about what we've done, not what we tell people we're great at or we're not great at. They look at us and they know. And so the more you can better yourself and really be authentic and genuine and trying to be better, it happens naturally. I feel like they see that and they want to emulate. And maybe not. Maybe they see it and they're like, okay, it's cool, that's working for you, but I want to do it different.

[00:15:04] But you're authentic and genuine and doing it in a way that is honest. Yeah, I have things that I wish I would have done different. My instincts when I first got divorced were just to find the next love of my life, I guess. To just replace that portion of what I was losing.

[00:15:33] And so I spent a lot of time on dating apps and going on dates here and there. And hired a lot of babysitters and we were trying to do, I don't know, I don't think it was quite 50-50 custody at the beginning. Like that was the plan, but I guess my work didn't allow it at the beginning.

[00:16:03] Anyway, I just wish that it would not have been my priority to try and find love again. I wish that my kids would have been my priority. Like why couldn't I have just waited? It could have waited. I could have found my happiness with my babies at home. At least while they were at my house. Instead of like getting a babysitter and bailing for a few hours at a time.

[00:16:33] So I totally wish that I would have done that different. And I would recommend to anyone that's listening to, you know, for when you have the kids, when it's your parenting time. Like you don't need to make finding love a priority. Like your kids are the priority. They're going through just as traumatic of an experience, if not more traumatic than you are.

[00:17:02] Because you're an adult and your brain hopefully has some better coping mechanisms than the children do. So while it's your time with the kids, spend your time with the kids. Instead of, you know, beating yourself up for it later and shoulda, coulda, woulda wishing that you'd done things different.

[00:17:30] You know, like trying to make catch up, trying to play catch up. You know, just avoid it altogether and when it's your time with the kids, spend your time with the kids. 100%. Definitely guilty of that more than once. You know, like just, it is like, you know, we've talked about before. We're human beings and we have feelings and we have, you know, we also are going through that hard time.

[00:18:00] You know, and it's so difficult and tricky, I think, up front to try to navigate it. And I think what you're saying is very real. That like you can't really go wrong by making sure you're prioritizing that time with kids first and then figuring out the rest after. Because I think it's what everybody needs, really, to be honest, you know. And it may not feel like that's what we need. It might feel overwhelming.

[00:18:25] It might feel like I've got more on my hands than I was planning on and whatever it is. But it helps grow us too and helps build that trust. And sometimes those are, you know, like back then, I can see how many missed opportunities I had. And so right now, I don't want to have all those missed opportunities. And it's the nature of life. Like we all look back 2020 and are like, oh, we should have done that, you know.

[00:18:50] But the key too is to recognize it without the shame and acknowledge that we did well. And we didn't do well. And we just did because we were trying. And you can't live in a place where you just feel bad about it, you know. Because I think that affects kids too, you know. Like they see like, okay, yeah, that I agree. Maybe I would have liked that differently too and it would have been better this, that, or the other.

[00:19:19] But also they're not, I think, interested in having us suffer, you know, nonstop. I think they want us to figure out, like I said, like life for us too because we can set an example. We can show healthiness. We can be involved and engaged and just show a different way. Yeah. Should we beat ourselves up over, you know, dwelling on the past and wish we would have done things different?

[00:19:43] Or do we recognize it and do today what makes a badass tomorrow? Yeah. I think that's... For us and our kids. The exact difference is like, do you spend every day for a year just being like, oh man, I sucked, you know, and feeling bad about it? Or are you taking information that you feel internally, not what someone else is telling you is right or wrong, but you're like, I feel like I should have done this differently. What are we doing with that? Are we doing it differently?

[00:20:13] Are we trying? Or are we just being like, oh, I wish I would have, but it seems so hard. And so I'm just going to feel bad about it. I'm going to watch a sad movie and have some ice cream. Yes. It's an answer for most things, I think. Yes. I think another thing we thought was very, very important is having a mutual person. Yes.

[00:20:33] If you can't seek therapy right off the bat, find someone that is unbiased, that cares about both of you, that you can trust, that the children can trust. So if something happens, you can go and find an answer. And it's not like, you're wrong.

[00:20:52] And it's not like, you're wrong. You're right.

[00:21:37] And it's not like, you're wrong. And it's not like, you're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong.

[00:22:06] You're wrong. And it's not like, you're wrong. You're wrong. You're wrong.

[00:22:49] And I was triggered by everything. And I know that they're looking forward to being able to talk about whatever they want to talk about. And a third party can be very helpful for that. Yeah. Yeah. I wish that I would have done the same thing at our house as far as like, you know, what was your best time and, you know, best part of your day, worst part of your day, best time, best part of your time at mom's, worst part of your time at mom's.

[00:23:21] Favorite and least favorite. Favorite and least favorite. Favorite and least favorite.

[00:23:50] I mean, I feel like that would have been the golden goose of communication that if anybody can, you know, out there can swallow their pride and try it. Like, it would be amazing for the children and for the parents, I think. Absolutely. I think it kind of goes in tandem with the idea of the energy and not just words, too.

[00:24:14] There's a difference when you're just having an exchange of parenting time and not a lot's being said, but there's a lot being felt or a lot. There might be tension or feelings between or whatever it might be. The kids pick up on that, too. So then if you're trying to be intentional and have something that's helpful, it's minimized, too, just by the awareness of energy that's not being talked about. But, you know, like kids all feel it and then no one's talking about it.

[00:24:43] Because what do we say all the time? Like, oh, like we don't want to, like, make it harder for them. We don't want to traumatize or whatever. But it's because we think of that energy in a negative way instead of figuring out how to resolve that energy in a conversation with a third party there and kids around and creating over time safety in a space where everyone feels like they can just express. And that's a hard thing to do. Like, it's easy for us to sit around a table and talk about it. We never did it. We now are like, that would be a really good idea.

[00:25:13] We should do it. You know? Living gold. Yeah. But I think that that's what this is all about. The, like, figuring it out and spending that time looking back and what's the word I'm looking for? Not pondering. Regretting? Reflecting? I regret. Reflecting? I regret everything. So, no, you're right. Reflect. Yes, that's good. Um, yeah, like, reflecting on it and, like, to try and be more helpful in the future. You know? And we are, we are moving in that direction now. Oh, boy. Billy made it up.

[00:25:43] Hi, Billy! You're good old buddy. You're not supposed to be inside of here. Get out, Billy. Love you. Way to say hi. Um, I was gonna say, you said we didn't do that, but we're doing that now. Yeah. And that's the important thing is that we learn from our mistakes and we try to do better. We, we do have meetings with all four parents where we talk about hard things and we talk

[00:26:07] about energies that are festering and we, we say, we speak directly with kindness to one another. And so, I'm proud of us for learning these lessons and for coming together and for, even though it's not a co-parenting drop-off because our kids are a little bit older, we're, we're doing our best to make right what we did wrong. And there's no way to go back and, and correct every mistake.

[00:26:38] But all we can, and, and when you're living in shame, you can't even do better. You know, you can't get up and, and, and get together and be more positive. So, it's really important that we just recognize what we could have done better and we do better. When, Oprah always says, when we know better, we do better. Mm-hmm. And be proud of yourself. Like, I know, I don't even know, I'm trying to think, 10 years ago, I think.

[00:27:06] What were we, 24, 14? So yeah, like 10 years ago, Eric and I separated. And I know probably for a very, very long time, I was like, no way would I ever want to be in the same room as this person. Now, in 2020, 2025, like. They make out sometimes. That's hot. Yeah. Tell us more. But the growth. Church talk. Church talk. That barely counts. Yeah.

[00:27:31] But growth as a person, it's not that resentment because you don't like the person you're getting divorced from, right? Like, maybe you do, but I think for the most part, you don't. So it's you growing and you having realizations of, do I want to hold on to that for the rest of my life? Or do I want to let it go and move on? Is it for the best of the children or is it to better myself? I don't know the answer to that, but it could take years.

[00:28:00] It doesn't have to take a second. It's a work in progress. Mm-hmm. And like, I'm happy where we are. Like, I know how we are the four of us and I know where the four of us are with my ex. Like, it's a work in progress. Mm-hmm. So I think that's important to remember. Like, it doesn't have to happen overnight. Totally. Giving yourself grace. This is some of the hardest stuff to go through as humans. It's very difficult with kids. A divorce is very, very difficult.

[00:28:29] And to give yourself grace and patience and extra self-care and extra love. Give your children extra presence, extra love. But also, I think it's really important to be aware of the tendency to overly spoil your kids when you're going through a divorce. I, you know, I see friends of ours going through that right now where that's not helpful for the kid either. You know? So just to stay grounded.

[00:28:55] And I think a big part of staying grounded is having a good support network around you so that your kids aren't hearing the brunt of all of the dysregulation. You're supported so that you can show up and be present for your kids. Yeah, I think buying compassion and love is huge because you want to be the good parent, the fun parent, the better parent. Like, you know, it's not a competition.

[00:29:23] Your kids are going to love you regardless. So true. Well, this has been good. Make sure you communicate about gifts. No kid needs two copies of GTA. But every kid needs one. Yeah. And mandatory. Yeah. Five years old is our GTA Christmas tradition. Yeah. You know? That's right.

[00:29:50] You get the Xbox and the GTA and an iPhone on their fifth Christmas. And a .22 caliber and all the things. You'll shoot your eye out! Well, I'm so grateful for all of you. I love you all so much. Yes. And I especially want to just say I love you, Tiff. Aww. This last week was hard for me. And the other day I was really struggling on Sunday.

[00:30:17] And I reached out to Tiff. And I'm just not someone who, like, leans on women. And I'm just learning that this woman is trustworthy and so wonderful and wise. And I'm just so grateful to be co-parenting with you. So thank you, Tiff. Thank you. I love you. That was beautiful. Do you want to go? Yeah. To the back room. More making out.

[00:30:47] Church time. Backseat windows up. That's right. Steamy. All the fog. Woo. All right. You two. Okay. I just envisioned Jake's hand sliding down a foggy window. Like on Titanic. I was like, what is that on? But it's Titanic. It's like the infamous scene. Yeah. That's great. I love you all, too. You guys are awesome. Yes. We'll see you next time. I think next time is going to be part two of what I wish I'd known. So we're going to get real deep. Hope you're ready.

[00:31:18] We saved all the good stuff. We didn't tell you the real things. This was the teaser. We made up all of those. Not even real. Real stuff next week. You've got to come back. You're welcome. We'll see you next time. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye.