In episode 16, we unravel the emotional conflict of a listener and share our stance on her situation. We also take the time to discuss the awareness we now feel and work through, within the struggles we faced during our divorces.
[00:00:01] Four Parents, Nine Kids, Two Houses, Didn't Really Wanna Talk About This, Four Parents, Nine Kids, I'm Queer, One Thing's Clear, There's No Dysfunction Here, Four Parents, Nine Kids, Two Houses, Didn't Really Want Parents, Nine Kids, I'm Queer, One Thing's Clear, There's No
[00:00:22] I wanted to, what was the song you were just singing again? Because I need that again in my life. Jump, jump? Yeah, it's good stuff. Mac Dad will make you. Is that true? Or is it Daddy Mac will make you? I think it's Daddy Mac will make you. Jump, jump. Mac Daddy will make you? I don't know. I really don't know which. Mac Daddy or Daddy Mac. Mac Dad will make you? Mac Dad will make you. Mac Dad will make you. My Dad will make you.
[00:00:56] But hats off to Heath Hyatt from the fifth grade. We went to the same Halloween party and he had his clothes on backwards. Everybody thought it was really cool. Yeah, because that's what those guys did. I remember they had the one thing that was like unhooked. I was like a 7-Up can. I'm like, what did I think of that? The can's pretty great. Oh, I was going to say, I think I was a 7-Up can. But no, our son was a 7-Up can. Yeah. Remember?
[00:01:24] We made that costume homemade. Which reminds me, we were supposed to introduce ourselves. Who we are. Yes. All right. So I'm married to this lady. Now I'm confused. Wait, what? And that was before she said that. When was the wedding? Yeah. And why weren't they invited? Right. So I used to be married to Jake for 9 years. We had 4 babies together and then who are you?
[00:01:54] Hi, I'm Tiff. I am currently married to Jake. Not married to Toby. We have zero children biologically together. But I have two that I brought in to the fun day. Yay. And this is my husband. Married to her. And we have one child biologically. And probably a really low chance that I end up married to anyone else at this table would be my guess. Probably. Not saying never.
[00:02:23] I'm just saying low. What happens in Vegas? That's right. Well, they've neglected to bring up that they both individually brought to, well, with their ex. I did. Oh, you brought up? I brought two into the fun zone, yeah. Oh, brought two into the fun zone. It was just me. I dropped the ball. AJ also brought two into the fun zone. Yeah, I dropped the ball on that. All together is Niner. Who are you married to? Niner kiddos. I'm married to Tiff. The one that brought two into the fun zone.
[00:02:52] The first time. But later than that guy over there. That's right. So is that clear? I think we've cleared it all up. Everyone knows what's going on now. There's no dysfunction here. Let's see. Can we list our kids' ages? Yes. 21, 20, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15. No, 15, 15. Yeah. Thomas is 18. And then 11. I don't think we have a 19-year-old. Brighton. No. I think you're right. He just turned 20. Jesus Christ.
[00:03:22] There's no dysfunction here. If you can tell, we love our children very much. Because they age up. 21, 2 20s, 2 18s. That's 5. 2 15s. 2 15s. That's 6, 7. We have an 11-year-old. That's 8. We're missing one. And a 17-year-old Anna. That's right. Nailed it. We did not have sugar before this episode. Oh, I missed you guys. It's been too long since we recorded. I'm sorry. No. It's not your fault. There's a lot going on in the world. There's a lot going down in the world.
[00:03:52] Unfortunately. Planes. Yeah. That's true. Airplanes going down. Planes. States. Not funny. Oh my God. What a time. But honestly, there's as much crazy. There's also like, it's exciting. It's an exciting time. There's so much going on. So much new technology, whatever. But what is happening to these planes?
[00:04:16] How is it that one year ago, the average yearly plane crash amount would have been like the amount in one month this year? I just don't understand. Yeah, that's wild. Is that for real? It's gotta be something crazy. I pulled that statistic right out of my ass. Oh, yeah. I believed you. Probably just one week in this year. I would be very curious to hear what the average plane crash amount is per year and then what it is right now.
[00:04:45] Especially with major airlines. Yeah. Like when a plane goes down or goes missing with a major airline, it's world news forever. Yeah. Totally. And it's just like every Tuesday right now. Right. Maybe it is every Tuesday if we check the dates. Yeah. I mean, I think the major thing was that it all started with a midair collision involving a commercial airline in our nation's capital. Gotcha. Like that was just huge.
[00:05:12] I mean, you know, had the first occurrence been what happened yesterday in Marana, Arizona, which was just two tiny little Cessnas or Cherokees, a midair collision. And that happens more often than any of us realize because it doesn't make national airlines. You don't hear about it. I see. I feel like we hear about them right now because of the major one. Because of the major one that started it, we're hearing about everything related to aviation.
[00:05:40] It's just like, bam, bam, bam, bam. That makes sense. But the couple, like the one that happened last week in Scottsdale and then the one that just happened yesterday in Marana, it's like- It happened. Did the entire country or the entire world hear about those things because of what happened in DC? Or was that just local? Our news and not national news. Right. Which on that topic, but not related because it's not airplane.
[00:06:02] Um, and I just watched this with Reagan the other night in bed that Netflix documentary about the girl that went missing. And I don't remember. And I, I'm so bad with names. Gabby. Yes. So we watched that. And at, on the very end of the last part of it, it was saying like, do you realize how many people are actually missing within the United States? But because she was a white female, it got the publicity.
[00:06:30] It got the national spotlight. And it was really saddened to the family even like that. We don't want it to be that way. Yeah. But that's just how it rolled out. And it's the same thing. Like if that would not have been a commercial airplane, would it have been widespread? It's like almost stereotypical to what's nationally recognized. I wonder how much- Single white female, they make a movie about you. That's right. For sure. Yeah. Isn't- Cut that out. No.
[00:06:59] There were two military jets that crashed too in the last couple of weeks. One was, it was like, I think they were both F-16s or one was an F-22. Well then like the helicopter, the Black Hawk helicopter. That was the one that ran into the plane in DC. And that's military, right? That's crazy. That's wild. Like, could it be Trump trying to monitor our population? Like, that is like conspiracy theory which I wouldn't even touch. Or aliens, UFOs trying to interfere with the technologies. That's where I like to go.
[00:07:29] Like there's just something bigger out there that's, you're being naughty, I'm taking control. Interesting. It's like a slap of the hand. Who knows, but I hope we find out. I'm very curious. There's so much happening. Mm-hmm. And how are you feeling Tiff? Mm-hmm. You've been through a lot in the last little while and you've been bravely sharing your journey on TikTok which I have really admired and appreciated. You've been so vulnerable. That is vulnerability.
[00:07:57] So if you want to check that out, look her up on TikTok. Yeah. Mama T, is that your name? Mama B it is. I'm sorry. But I had gastric sleeve last Wednesday where they removed 80% of my stomach. Eight days ago. Yeah. Wow. And I also had three masses that they discovered on my liver which are benign. Yay! Cancer free. Yay! But they also had to mess with those so I've just been a little... That's a lot.
[00:08:26] But I feel amazing today considering yesterday I cried and felt like I was purposefullest to everyone around me. Like it was such a shit-tastic day. It's like... I feel better today. If I get in the car wrong, I'm upset. So you're a champion. Yay! And I think it's a good opportunity for you to realize that even if you are bedridden and you can't do anything, you can't feed the dogs, you can't make us food, you can't clean,
[00:08:55] we need and want you in our family still and you have big purpose without any of the chores or the things that you do. Chores don't define you, Tiff. I know, I know. If you really know and feel that. You define them. That's right. Yeah, you tell the chores who's boss. It was funny today because Anna and Regan had a cute little sleepover with Journey last night which I thought was adorable when I found out this morning but they walked in the house and I threw the mop because I was mopping. Nobody was watching me. I'm like, I feel good. I'm mopping the floor. Not doing it!
[00:09:24] And they come in and Anna's like, what were you just doing? I'm like... Do-do-do! They're like, we're gonna tell Jake right now. I'm like, please no! That's hilarious. That's funny. It was funny. Yeah, that's the hardest part for someone like you I would imagine. I don't know. Hard working. But to not be able to do things like you're so awesome and productive and you accomplish so much in one day. True. True. True. But yes, I'm feeling much better so thank you for having me.
[00:09:54] Good indeed. Good. What are we talking about today? Oh. It's a good question. What I wish I'd known, parenting edition. Oh man. So, previously we spoke about what I wish I'd known as far as like the actual divorce goes. And then this is as far as the parenting relationship goes. And we also had, do we want to bring up our viewer question scenario?
[00:10:25] Ooh, yes. And maybe dive into that as well. We got our first kind of listener feedback. Yay! So, someone wanna share what that was all about? What did they say about me? I think, I don't know. We should listen again. I'm pretty sure she loves Seattle. I hope there was a lot in there. I think from that listener, what I gathered was the emotional standpoint of, you know, how did we battle through it? Did we battle through it? Did we move through it quickly? Did it take us years?
[00:10:53] I think it was like, you know, I didn't realize how much I was struggling until I was looking back, you know? And I think if I were to go through that whole thing again with the level of awareness
[00:11:23] I have now, I would be like, okay, I need to be intentional about handling all of what this is bringing up for me. But, so that is one thing I wish I would've known, you know? I was running. I was numbing. I was distracting myself. I went, when I left my first marriage to Jake, I was, I felt so much guilt and so much shame for that.
[00:11:51] I swore I would never divorce. And so that was very difficult for me. I felt like an absolute failure. So I went, I nose dove into binge eating disorder and I gained like 50 or 60 pounds in like six months and, and I could not find my way out of that. I felt hopeless to it. It was extreme. It was a secret. I didn't tell anybody at all.
[00:12:18] And so I didn't even recognize that I was coping with the emotional devastation of divorce in, in binge eating, um, and abusing myself in lots of other ways. And so I think that now I want to help create awareness for people who are going through that. You, you need to be aware that even if you don't think consciously that this is affecting
[00:12:48] you, it is, it's very big and very heavy. And to, to have the intention to, to not numb that, to not distract yourself from it, but to have enough awareness to truly face it and go into it, you know, so that you can heal. Yeah. Yeah. I think being not, I'm going to double negative this. Which is a good one. We're good at those. Be not, be not reactive.
[00:13:18] You should be, what's the other part of it? Like if you're not reactive. Yeah. Well active. Right. So it's like, okay, I'm going to react negatively because the situation is negative and that's not going to make anything better for anyone. And I don't know that I numbed my pain in any, with an addiction or anything like that. I feel like I just crawled in a hole and didn't want to come out. Mm-hmm. And that was hard because I then had two kids all by myself and I didn't have anywhere else
[00:13:47] to go. So for me, it was like I was in darkness until I was offered an opportunity to move across the country and that was my sunlight in the state of Arizona. Yeah, Arizona. Weird. But I think what is difficult, and I don't know how you guys feel about this because like how quickly you dated or whatnot afterwards, but it was in a conversation I was with someone today. It's like, okay, if you end a relationship and you're like, okay, I'm done with this person, I hate this person, I just like anything about them.
[00:14:16] But then you see that person starts dating and now jealousy kicks in and that's another emotional attachment that you're like, what do I do? That's such a big thing. Because I don't like you, but now I'm hurt at the fact that you're able to move on so quickly when I'm in pain. Like how do you react or be proactive to that? Because that's just another way to be like emotionally drowning.
[00:14:41] I think the hardest part is like being ready to learn, like to be neck deep in the kinds of situations that we're talking about and actually have a desire to seek out a podcast like this to try and learn some perspective while you're neck deep in it, while you're in the same way. Like, I don't know, seems almost impossible. So hopefully people while they're in it, they're finding us or finding good books or finding
[00:15:10] this or finding that. Cause that's the hardest part is getting the right help while you're in it. Because right now all we're saying is, hey, looking back, this is the experience that we went through. This is what we went through. This was the good. This was the bad. This is what we wish we would have done. Yeah. Yeah. Now here we are a decade later figuring it out. Um, so this is what you should do. But how do those people, that's the hardest part.
[00:15:39] I think what I was thinking is very much along those lines in a way, because I think there's a lot that you just haven't been through. So you haven't experienced it. You don't know. So it's good to seek out an advice and like from people around you have either been through it or you trust, like we've talked about before, having a trusted person when it's hard to trust yourself. But I think also what we love to do as human beings a lot of the time is take a lot of the
[00:16:06] time there's a very simple answer to a complicated subject, but that simple answer is very hard to implement because of our emotions and feelings. And so I think what happens a lot of the time is we know inherently what's better or what's good or how we should behave or how we should handle something. But we're in an emotional state and we either can't do it, we're not great at it, or we just don't want to do it because it doesn't make us feel better or feel good about the situation that's going on.
[00:16:34] And so we'll seek externally advice until we find the one that fits well with our narrative and what is going to help us stay safe and comfortable. And then we're not growing. And then we're not actually resolving the feelings and handling the situation well. And I think that if we can get to that place where the simple answer we make it easier to implement
[00:16:59] just by accepting that it's a simple answer and we're just going to trust that I know the hard things a lot of the time, I just have to do them. I just have to act on it and I have to apologize when I don't respond the right way. I have to change when I know something isn't working even though I want it to work so badly. And I think that the more we are quiet and listen to ourselves because we're inherently good people out here. You know, most of the world is that.
[00:17:27] And if you can really listen to yourself and do what that good feeling is, you're going to be right 99% of the time. And when you're not, you can adjust and adapt. But it's so hard to get away from in the moment the feeling is telling me, no, that's not what I want to do because I either want this person to hurt and suffer or I want to not acknowledge that I also messed up with this or whatever it might be. Mm-hmm.
[00:17:51] I think along the lines of acceptance, I think a lot of times when we leave a marriage or when we get left, we feel the need to justify or we feel some sense of failure or shame. And so we want to seek out things that reinforce that we're doing okay or that we haven't made a mistake or that we aren't failing.
[00:18:15] And so we'll surround ourselves with people who might be more superficial, who just want to tell you what you want to hear or something. Um, but to be able to own the decision, you know, if you decide that a divorce is what is best, it's very obvious that there are not going to be 100%. There's not going to be 100% ease with that, even though it's the right thing.
[00:18:45] It's going to be hard for everyone. Um, and so that was such a block for me is feeling like I was doing something wrong or doing something bad and hurting my children and failing.
[00:18:59] So all of that energy of a lack of acceptance of this is happening and I need to just accept it gets, gets used instead of all of that energy being used toward healing and accepting and feeling and navigating and helping my children, you know?
[00:19:21] And, and, and it's the same if you're getting left where you're ruminating and spending so like our thoughts have wattage, they are energy literally, and our ruminations just drain our battery. And so, so much of that could be eliminated if we come to an acceptance of the decision, whether we're making it or not, you know, and, and try and align ourselves with people who really want what's best for us and are not just these superficial.
[00:19:51] Tell me what I want to hear kind of relationships. Yeah. Part of it is just, you know, I mean, for all of us, we were still relatively young when all of it was going down, you know, we're all roughly like 30 years old or less when, when we were getting divorced and, you know, the being having 30 years under your belt, there is a certain amount of wisdom, but you don't have any wisdom as far as like,
[00:20:21] getting divorced and going through that shit show. So, so I don't know. It's just like, how good can you really do unless you figure out how to have that perspective of, you know, like our caller said, you know, like, how do we focus on the healing instead of the numbing and distracting? Yeah.
[00:20:42] You know, I don't like trying to look back on myself 10, 12, 14 years ago, whenever it started going down, like, could I have really done any better than I already tried to do? I did a whole lot of numbing and distracting, but like, how could I, in that moment, what I knew then, blah, blah, blah, like, I feel like I was doing my best, you know, but, you know, a whole lot of that was numbing and distracting.
[00:21:11] So, I thought that I was doing my best, I guess is the way to say it. I wasn't doing my best, but I thought that I was. So, I don't know. It's just a weird, slippery slope. Like, how do you figure it out when you're in that moment of trauma?
[00:21:29] How do you figure out how to just have your eye on the ball and do what's right, which is focus on healing, addressing the pain, and plowing through it instead of trying to numb and distract? Like, how do you actually do that in that moment unless you're getting help? I think the only way to do it is if you have an awareness, which we did not. So, we cannot fault ourselves for not having that awareness.
[00:21:56] But we do now, so we can inspire other 25, 30-year-olds who might have access to this that we didn't have. But I agree with you, and we cannot blame ourselves for what we didn't understand, you know. I think to your point, too, with awareness and what you're talking about with the things that come along with either being left or the person who leaves, shame, feeling bad, feeling like a failure, all those things.
[00:22:23] I think the term awareness, especially in, like, spiritual community gets used a lot. But awareness isn't just learning something and then knowing what that is. It can be completely blocked out, and your awareness can be eradicated if those emotions and feelings are running the show.
[00:22:42] If you're feeling shame for whatever it is, if you're feeling negative emotions towards the other person or whatever it might be, like, the awareness isn't there even if you have been made aware of it. Like, you're still living in those energies, and I think that that's what we've all talked about experiencing as we go through that. And, you know, yeah, I can look back 15 years ago and be like, I really think I was doing my best.
[00:23:10] And sure, what I know now, I can go back, and I would maybe be different, but I didn't know that then. And I think it's because awareness, even to your point of, like, having somebody who's a third party that's trusted and whatever, you know. If you're living in shame, you're living in anger, you're living in fear of whatever, you're not going to listen to what that person even has to say most of the time.
[00:23:35] You're going to listen to Bob at work who takes a skateboard that he doesn't know how to ride because of his four DUIs last month. And he's like, yeah, fuck that girl. Don't listen to her. You know, and you're like, yeah, that's right. You know, you have to get out of your own negative emotions that are either dragging you down because you feel that way about yourself or you feel that way about someone else or the situation. And that's why it feels like, like, oh, it's simple, but it's not.
[00:24:04] It's impossible is what it feels like in the moment. You know, if we can figure out how to get rid of the shame, get rid of the negativity. But do you guys feel because like hearing the different verbiage, like vulnerability, shame, awareness, like self-love? I don't know that I understood what those words were 10 years ago. And I do feel like that's vocabulary that is much more prevalent, not just in the spiritual world, but people like hashtag self-love has been huge.
[00:24:33] Vulnerability has been huge. But way back then, I don't even know that we talked about that. Are people like inspired other people with those words? So is that helpful to people that are going through what we went through a decade ago? I think that as a species, we are evolving. And younger and younger people do have more layers of awareness because the older generation is gaining this awareness and teaching.
[00:24:59] Like, for instance, if our children ever go through a divorce, they are going to have way more awareness around that and what they need to do to help themselves through that. Because they've watched us go through it. And we've talked about it. Same thing with us now with having a huge loss in our family. If that loss happened 12 years ago, I don't know that I would have survived it. I don't know.
[00:25:26] But I have awareness around how to handle loss. Okay, this is major. I want to numb this. And because I want to numb this, I'm going to feel it. I'm going to use these feelings to trigger me to do the opposite, you know? And I feel like my desire as a spiritual teacher and as a parent is to help the younger people to have this awareness that it took us hard things to gain. You know?
[00:25:56] So that young people, if they are ever going through a divorce and they've heard this, then they're like, oh shit. Or even just a breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever. Or like, okay, I need to, I want to numb this out. So what do I do when I feel the need to numb? I feel, you know? And that's my hope for this podcast, you know? Is to, and we can't reach everyone.
[00:26:22] But I think that stuff like this can, I hope that it can help create a little more awareness. Mm-hmm. I agree. I think it's what you're saying is so important. And I'm realizing that, at least for me personally, like, instead of the numbing, you have to feel. And what we think a lot of the time is that we don't want to feel it because it's difficult to feel.
[00:26:47] But I think we're also wrapping up those negative emotions in it, the shame, the fear, the whatever, instead of just feeling the emotions that are appropriate to feel, which is the loss and the heartbreak and the difficulty. And it's like we're, you have to be able to say, okay, I cannot feel shame about this.
[00:27:10] Like, you know, that's the hardest part is like removing those things that are not helpful in trying to heal from something difficult and focusing on the feelings of just the difficult. And so that the healing can take place without anybody or you telling yourself, like, you don't deserve to feel good. You don't deserve to let that go. You don't, like, it's lies, you know, whether it's coming from you or someone else. This life is difficult. It's meant for difficulty.
[00:27:40] We're here, in my opinion, to learn and grow from that difficulty and the great things, too. But it's easy to be like, I love great things, you know. It's very difficult to look at really hard things and see them as just as valuable as the great things, if not more. So you have to let go of the shame and the fear in order to feel the things that we would say are negative emotions,
[00:28:02] even though those negative emotions produce our growth and make us better, more wise people, more compassionate people, friendlier people, more loving people. Bless you. Bless you. Yeah. And on the flip side, if life is about all of the joy and amazing things that we can experience, we're not going to even understand what that is unless we experience those difficult things. Amen. Got to have the rainy days.
[00:28:31] That's actually one thing that I enjoyed learning in the Mormon church was... Opposition in all things. Opposition in all things. I couldn't remember how they said it. But, yeah. I mean, I've always loved learning about that. It's like, okay, I have to experience this really shitty thing in order to be able to experience this really good thing. Otherwise, how do I know what good feels like if I didn't experience something negative?
[00:28:57] It's such a huge part of medicine work is like going into the darkness and that is where you find the light. The light shines the brightest in the darkest. You know? It's like, it truly is. Absolutely.
[00:29:14] And our first long-time listener, first-time caller also was asking about a specific situation where alleged deadbeat dad who hasn't done anything to help in the last 17, 18 years feels like they have every right to show up to graduation. That's heavy. It's a lot for a mama to have to feel that and go through that.
[00:29:41] That mom has been there, has been through the blood, sweat, and tears of showing up for that boy. And so I feel for her for sure. I do too.
[00:29:53] And I think that as soon as I heard it, the thing that popped in my mind was it's another situation where you've got your own feelings that are negative, that are protective, that it gets messy and jumbled in there. And I think at the end of the day, at least what I have learned through this process of divorce and parenting and co-parenting and all the things is it's not about me at the end of the day.
[00:30:23] And especially if that child is 17, 18, you don't even have to explain to them how you feel. I think they know it. They've been around it inherently. And it really is that child's choice at the end of the day how they want to navigate that relationship. And I think that's very hard on any parent who maybe feels like, I'm here. I'm doing it all. I'm showing up and always have.
[00:30:51] And so many times what happens in those situations are it's easier to be upset with that parent because you know that parent's not going anywhere. Whereas the other parent, maybe they're not so sure about it. And so they tread lightly and they walk on eggshells or whatever it might be. And so I think that it's the hardest thing, but you have to just take a step back and allow that child to navigate unless it's an unsafe thing like we've talked about. Like if you're worried about their actual safety, that's a different story.
[00:31:18] But if it's just like, I really hate how this person has navigated being a parent to my child, but they're here saying that they're going to be, it should not be up to me. It should be up to my child to figure that out. I love that. And I think there's so many situations that we want our children to know as they grow in relationships and in work and in personal lives. Like you have to make choices like what is in the best interest of this person that I care about.
[00:31:46] And I think the first of me hearing that, I was just being like, F that. No. Fuck that guy. No. Like screw you. No. My kid raised it. But like how do you, and it's not guilt and it's not shame. I can't think of what the word is, but it's like, why do you deserve something that I work so hard for mentality? But then flipping over to what AJ said, it's like, this isn't about you. This is about your child. And what may be in the best interest of that child is something that you don't wholeheartedly agree with.
[00:32:15] But you have to swallow that pride. You have to be the bigger person and allow your child to grow and do something that you don't agree with. And if it doesn't work out, guess what? Your child's going to know that you are the one that is going to have open arms to bring them in and hold them and let them know this is going to be okay. I love that. Yeah. It reminds me of a couple things, just to echo exactly what you guys are saying. A couple things that Toby has taught me or us.
[00:32:43] One of them is the phrase, like, what other people think of me is none of my business. Like, you can turn that around in every situation between mom and dad and the kid. Like, what I think of deadbeat dad is none of my kid's business. Oh, I like that. What I think of deadbeat dad is none of deadbeat dad's business. Like, just do the best you can as the mom. Do what you need to do for your kid. Do what you need to do.
[00:33:09] Like, but, I mean, as far as, like, giving your negative energy to any of it, of how shitty he's been the last 17, 18 years, it's not worth your time. You've got to let it go. You've got to let go of that negative energy and just be at peace and just let it be. Because your son is 17, 18 years old, even if he's not quite ready to admit that he's a shithead dad and not worth his time.
[00:33:37] Like, it's going to happen eventually, you know? Yeah. I think what probably... That stuff's just going to naturally happen on its own. That's what I was going to say. I think what probably happens a whole lot is in that effort to be protective or our own feelings are involved and so we're upset at the other person or whatever it is and we're creating that negativity. We're not leaving a space for that child to just figure it out, communicate, address it on their own, you know?
[00:34:03] Like, eventually, in my opinion, that child is going to have those conversations they want to have with that parent. They're going... You know, it's their relationship is really what it comes down to, but it's so hard when you've been involved in it the whole way and you've cared the whole way and feel like you've been protective or whatever it might be the whole way, but that's just the reality of it is it's their relationship with that parent. And you have to, like, bite your tongue.
[00:34:32] Yeah, and how often are we stopping what we really want in that situation, which is them to figure it out and hopefully grow and be better from it and have a great relationship by saying the things we say or little comments here and there that makes a child feel like, well, I don't feel comfortable talking about this now or addressing this or whatever it might be, you know? Yeah. Yeah.
[00:34:55] The other thing that she taught me a few years back was the term unsolicited advice. It was a very negative situation between Toby and I, but she's like... I was trying to give her advice about parenting, and she's like, read the room, motherfucker. I don't want your advice right now. I never said anything. It was on a teacher. She's like, you ever heard of unsolicited advice? So I was just like, oh.
[00:35:19] So, I mean, I got a new asshole ripped that night, but I certainly learned from the experience of what that even means. Like, I don't think it had ever dawned on me before to not open my mouth and give people advice without wondering whether or not they wanted it. So I needed to hear it at some point. Everybody needs to hear it. Yeah. Anyway, my point is we can use that same type of experience with, you know, as the mom, like, you're going to want to be like, have that conversation.
[00:35:49] Like, don't you agree that your dad's a shithead and we shouldn't invite him to graduation? Like, don't give that unsolicited advice. Like, you can say, dad wants to come to graduation. I want to do whatever you want to do. I will 100% support you, and if you want my opinion, then you'll ask for it. Like, that kind of thing.
[00:36:12] I also think that in general, I've learned that if we do not express energy, it seeps out in toxic ways because the energy is there and it's going to come out. And so I think it's really important for a mom going through that to, like we've spoken about before, find a support system, express herself.
[00:36:39] She needs all of that held and seen and appreciated so that she can show up super grounded, stable, and healthy for her kid. And she doesn't have all this that's trying to seep out of her, like, what about this? No. It's not there. It's been expressed. It's been held and seen and validated. And so that is such an important part.
[00:37:04] And so much of the time, parents and probably especially mothers do not acknowledge that their feelings matter. They just do what's best for the kid, do what's best for the kid, but they forget that, oh, I need to feel this too, just not with my child. You know, it's the most protective and healthy thing that we can do for our kids to feel the anger, to feel the sadness.
[00:37:27] In a safe container where it is not affecting them because they don't deserve it to even seep out in those toxic, passive aggressive comments and little half answers or whatever it is. So it's important. It's a responsibility for parents to feel all of their feelings, to express everything so that it's not coming out in toxic ways to the people that we want to protect. Absolutely.
[00:37:57] I feel like it probably goes without saying, but I feel like expressing that we know these things because we fucked up with these things so many times. You know, like that's how you learn and get wisdom. And it's just easier if you can learn it without having to go through it. We say to our kids all the time, please learn from our mistakes. For sure. You don't have to. It's easier. Let me tell you the story a hundred times. Gather round the fire, youngins. Yeah.
[00:38:26] Well, this has been great. And also, I wanted to say that next week we will be talking about forgiveness. Ew. So that's a big one. Gross. And it kind of goes along. Nasty. Oh. And nasty. All right. Well, thanks everybody. Thanks everybody. Bye. We'll see you next time. Have a long time. Four parents, nine kids, two houses. Didn't really want to talk about this.
[00:38:56] Four parents, nine kids, I'm queer. One thing's clear. There's no dysfunction here. Four parents, nine kids, two houses. Dear parents, nine kids, I'm queer. One thing's clear. There's no. There's no.