Episode 3: Sitting at the Kids' Table

[00:00:00] 4 Parents 9 Kids 2 Houses, Didn't Really Want to Talk About This 4 Parents 9 Kids, I'm Queer, One Thing's Clear, There's No Dysfunction Here 4 Parents 9 Kids 2 Houses, Didn't Really Want to Talk About This 4 Parents 9 Kids, I'm Queer, One Thing's Clear, There's No Dysfunction Here Dave, hand me a beer. Yay! Yay guys!

[00:00:27] Happy Wednesday! Hello, take two! So first time today for sure we've never had to record more than once. As we figure out this podcast we're figuring out that recording is harder than we thought. That's true. Why is it so hard? It's alright.

[00:00:45] As I said earlier tonight it just lubes us up. Let's pop a bottle. Pop a bottle. Oh! Oh shit! Oh, we are celebrating this podcast because our oldest just turned 21. Oh yeah! Happy Birthday, Jen! We went to Vegas.

[00:01:00] By the way that was such a fun trip with you guys. Oh my gosh, I learned so much about our child and us as co-pairs. And now we have forever pictures of AJ with the Chippendales dancers. They still text me.

[00:01:18] I kind of feel like we should not drink on the next one because everybody thinks that we're about to get in a lesh. That's so true. Especially when we just got back from Vegas. We're like, yeah let's have another drink. You know what?

[00:01:32] Three weeks on and one week off. Not a bad idea. For our 21 birthday celebration I don't feel like we really party that hard. No, because our 21 year old is super reasonable. Yeah. He's freaking awesome. He had to curb us. He's like, I think it might be bedtime.

[00:01:49] We're like, is it though? Man. He's like, I've had three shots today. We're done. Cutting us all off. But we had a great time. We went to a spear show. We saw Chris Angel which was very cool. Chandler and Jake did drag. Go-kart racing, not drag racing.

[00:02:09] Yeah, I was like where's this going? I was like, we did? What night did I miss? Next Sunday and drag racing. I made sure that everyone who had a cold was well taken care of. Oh my gosh. So there was a moment.

[00:02:25] We went to Nacho Daddy, amazing restaurant on a free mode and yummy. You'll get to know AJ a little bit more throughout this podcast but Jake wanted to buy him a size small tank top. It was too big to be honest. Yeah, like I had a little bit.

[00:02:44] You could only see two of my rolls. If the shoulder blades aren't showing, my life ain't to grow. That was a racer back tank. It was so great. I will say AJ has a amazing shoulder blade. Thank you. Later that night he won him the box of Kleenex.

[00:03:02] That he stole from the wind. He went behind the counter at the wind, was answering phone calls, stole a box of tissues. I read this freaking whole area. It's like a very good idea.

[00:03:13] I read this story, I think it might be nonfiction about a guy named Robin Hood. He would go and steal stuff from people and give it to the people in need. I felt inspired. Honey, you're a hero. Let me preface this.

[00:03:31] We were walking around and we wanted to go to the Marshmallow show. Marshmallow, we love you. However, Toby and I had open-toed shoes. Jake was wearing shorts. AJ and Chad were really dressed. Like always. We were trying to get tickets and we couldn't go in.

[00:03:57] They didn't like our open-toed shoes. So Marshmallow, we really wanted to be a part of your life that night. Yeah, there was a dress code restriction so AJ decided to find behind the desk a box of

[00:04:10] nut moist turrets, regular tissues and proceeded to go up and down a free month's she providing. And it was amazing how many people would take the tissue and they were blotting their faces because it was so hot in July. He put so many tissues on unsuspecting shoulders.

[00:04:31] People were just walking around with tissues on their backs and the shoulders and had no idea it was so funny. I've always said you never know when you're going to need a tissue. I never thought I'd hear Tiff say moist, just so much.

[00:04:42] Oh yeah, that he says moist. As long as it's not regarding a lady bit, that's moist. What about a man bit? Moist balls? No. If it's a moist towelette or a moist cupcake or moist cupcake. It doesn't do too well for me.

[00:04:56] I'm a retired romance author so moist lady bits and man bits just does not suit well with me. But I will say what was the name of the pizza place that I got that gluten free pizza? Evil Pie. Evil Pie, it's like evil, conneval themed.

[00:05:13] It was like a Sicilian style pizza and it was gluten free and because I'm gluten intolerant like holy hell's bell and as we were walking the strip the Chip and Dale's one it was the slice like cute girls.

[00:05:29] We gave the Chip and Dale's guys a slice of Tim's gluten free pizza. They should have tipped you. I know but it was so good I want more of that pizza. It was so delicious.

[00:05:39] I think moist towelettes actually would have been better to hand out on Fremont than tissues that could have been in more use for people. Individually wrapped might have helped out. Yeah, that's true. Except when you switched to toothpicks it wasn't going so well. Those are individually wrapped.

[00:05:56] I mean everyone I saw needed those so it's just so unfortunate. You're like you're stuffing your teeth there, you want toothpick and they're like no, they're like no I'm good and I'm like but you're not and they didn't care.

[00:06:09] Yeah, Vegas AJ is a different kind of AJ and I love it. You guys are nice. Yeah, I ran into people coming up to me like tapping me on the shoulder. What's going on? Why is he doing that?

[00:06:22] People were very like very needed to know what was going on. I love how you explained it. I just tried to be as honest as humanly possible and they didn't know what to do with that either. He's just kind of weird.

[00:06:39] He thinks it's really funny and he's kind of drunk and he's just enjoying himself. They were more unsettled after the explanation before. Like do you have anything else? Like is he mentally ill? Yeah, let's go with that.

[00:06:54] Yeah, but towards the end of the tissue box a blue line started appearing in a sheet of the tissue. So they're like oh my god don't take that tissue. It's a lace. And they were, I mean they were laced but not by the blue line.

[00:07:08] I didn't know that tissues did that like the end of a receipt roll. Yeah right it's the same idea. Well there's a box of tissues here how important are they? They're not important. We'll find out soon enough. I stole them from a hotel room.

[00:07:20] Yeah soft tone as a bigger down. I always take the tissues. Shoulder right now. He might need them later. Thank you. He's an active charity. He's like a lathropist. Yeah that's right. Oh shout out. Call me accountable.

[00:07:31] It was an amazing experience and our 21 year old is such a good boy. He's awesome. Happy birthday Chandler. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. I love that guy. You're amazing you're a rock star.

[00:07:43] And I personally for Chandler like he is our first that I saw because I'm the late comer to the group. Like I met him as a teenager and now he's a grown up.

[00:07:55] And it's just so incredible to like watch him be that kid that was argumentative and didn't get what we were saying. And now he wants to like I'll call him be like hey dad they're gonna watch a show today again. They're gonna take you out.

[00:08:12] You want to come over he's like hell yeah. Like I love that about him. Yeah. Like when he moved out I was so sad. I'm like okay I'm not going to hear you. I'm not going to see you.

[00:08:23] And I love that he wants to spend that quality time with us. It makes me feel so happy. I can't imagine a better oldest son, a better oldest brother. He is such an incredible example without even trying to be an example. He just is himself unapologetically.

[00:08:44] He is himself. He teaches us so much he stands in his truth and his wisdom and with such kindness. Yeah. He's so kind and so wise and I'm sure he hates it when we talk about him. So but man I'm so grateful for the human that he is.

[00:09:07] He's awesome. Speaking of awesome, Chan is awesome and so are all of our kids. It kind of leads into what I was hoping we'd talk about today which is the idea of parenting and children and children and parenting and that relationship and how it works and how

[00:09:25] it's worked for ever and ever societally because of how we learn things from our parents and then pass it down to our kids and then they pass it down to their kids

[00:09:35] and so on and so on and how we're really I feel like as a group trying to break the cycle of I'm the parent so what I say goes and you're the child so what you say can wait

[00:09:48] and coming together to not necessarily be equals because when you're talking about parenting and children it's not an equal relationship. It just is a relationship that it is but equals in voice equals. Humans.

[00:10:04] It equals in the ability to express yourself and to say your piece and to give your thoughts on something and so what do you guys think about that?

[00:10:12] One thing just popped up into my mind of the kid table and how I did not like it when I was a kid. Like just getting assigned to the kid table and you know when you think about the kid

[00:10:26] table I mean what is the purpose right you know the purpose is for the kid bullshit to not be at the adult table and so that the adults can enjoy themselves and have conversation and have fun with hopefully without interruptions maybe we

[00:10:40] should not like ourselves for having a kid table maybe we should change that you know I mean we're all humans here we all have a voice here we're all learning we're all on the same journey we're just you know some of us been doing it longer

[00:10:55] and is it crazy how something like that without spoken words around like we're talking about it now but like you growing up all of us growing up as kids sitting at the kids table or our kids having a kids table there's an unspoken energy around it that just

[00:11:12] tells everybody we're more important over here you're less important over here and just you having that thought and acknowledging it completely changes my perspective and viewpoint about it you know like I don't know that I would have

[00:11:27] even though we're trying to do the very same thing in our interactions with our kids and our relationships with our children like if I went to a Thanksgiving dinner this year and someone was like that's the kids table this is the adults table

[00:11:39] I don't know that I would have made that connection you know and so something like that like just spurs me to think of what else is there in my life that just is when it comes to relationships with parents and kids

[00:11:52] that maybe isn't the best idea like why don't we all just sit together you know it's like Toby was saying last week or the week before about traditions being peer pressure from our ancestors exactly yeah you know that goes off

[00:12:07] into every category little and big including kids table true promise to you all that if I ever go to a dinner that has a kids table I'm sitting at it and just making conversation with all those cute little kids

[00:12:23] I would say the same thing but it comes off creepier like I do for me like I grew up with at my mom's side of the family like we were Italian so you weren't allowed what are you now I almost lost my European

[00:12:43] European is about what you said it's the if you're Italian when you're going into the bathroom when you're Italian when you're coming out of the bathroom what are you in the bathroom that's great I never heard that it's a good reminder of how great that joke

[00:13:00] the dads are over here cracking them up sorry for interrupting I remember a dad doing it once you turned I believe it was 12 or 14 you were allowed to have me know in your glass at the Sunday dinner table they kept on upping it every year

[00:13:19] I was raised in the wrong family did you say 12 or 13 I know we're Italians we're not influences and we're Catholics so it was like you had my nony's big dinner table which we all sat around and there wasn't a separate table

[00:13:36] because it fit all of us but you weren't allowed to have a glass of vino unless you were a certain age I believe it was 12 I'm really sorry nony which was passed if you're rolling in your grave right now

[00:13:47] I think it was 12 and my mom will surely tell me when she listens to this if I'm wrong but it was like you had your big glasses of wine I love you mom but that was our differentiing factor

[00:14:06] it wasn't a separate table it was whether or not you had a glass of wine in front of you and the girl who's got a big glass of wine the youngsters got a smaller glass of wine the younger youngsters got zero wine grape juice motherfuckers

[00:14:23] but they had it sitting out for weeks although I wonder if people think I'm around the hall I can just blame it on my entire heritage it's not my fault they made me drink when I was 12 I do love my wine though

[00:14:39] but it's this very same thing it wasn't a separate table but it was an aspect of what was provided to you at the table you had a certain age my dad's parents were German prints we knew Dutch and there were separate tables I would never say get that

[00:14:57] well I think in general it just is something from the older generations that was kind of passed down to us that children are seen and not heard and that you don't talk back like I remember telling my children don't talk back to me

[00:15:13] and in my like my higher self being whispering to me like what the fuck are you saying right now don't talk back to me that's ridiculous like where's the communication but I would still say it I feel bad for that now

[00:15:28] and I you know and I think that that's one aspect of our family that I really appreciate is that we can look back see our mistakes and apologize for them and I think you know it doesn't make everything better

[00:15:41] it doesn't totally heal the damage we did our kids when we were working in the programming but I do think it's really important for all of us as parents to look and see okay where was I just acting in the way that I was programmed

[00:15:55] and where can I be more true to myself and more helpful to my children by changing my ways and I think apologizing is one of those things that's just so important it's a skill to learn in families and I remember what's her name that I love

[00:16:16] Brené Brown she gave this entire talk about apologizing and how important the apology is and she is the one who said look for what you can agree with in what the person is saying that you disagree with try and look for what you can agree with

[00:16:35] and I think that we have all had our struggles with our children with each other but one thing that our children teach us again and again and that we have tried to instill in our kids with our own behavior is

[00:16:51] when we mess up we do our best to acknowledge it apologize and that alone lets them know hey I'm a human and I'm worth apologizing to and making things right with you know and in general just keeping that mindset that this is a human with valid thoughts

[00:17:11] and valid opinions and valid concerns and maybe I don't have it all figured out and maybe their perspective could help resolve the situation and I don't know I look at all of you as people who are open to that conversation with our kids and it's not always easy

[00:17:29] sometimes we're in more of a mood than another time and we're not really here for a whole ass conversation but in general I do think that it's important to strive for that even though we're not perfect at it

[00:17:44] to strive to be people who see our children as humans who matter and they have a seat at this table they have a voice in this family that reminds me of our son Thomas 18 he's just so so so wise and taught me so much

[00:18:04] and at a very very very young age before he was teaching me verbally by the things that he was saying that wasn't redundant at all but at a very young age you know when when I was maybe telling a white lie to the kids

[00:18:24] just to I don't even know what an example is you know lying about what time it is for New Year's Eve or something like that so anyway who cares what the example is he would give me these looks at the age of like 7, 8, 9

[00:18:43] where he wouldn't always lock eyes on me maybe eye contact for any significant period of time wasn't typical between or isn't typical between Thomas and I but when he would look at me I would just be like he's calling me, he's 7 years old

[00:19:00] he's calling me out of my shit that it's supposed to be 10 times way over his head like at 7, 6, 7, 8, 9 I don't remember what the ages were but he was so young and couldn't put it all into words but he's just like I see what you're doing

[00:19:19] oh man, Thomas has those looks man that's true he does and so he was teaching me to be honest basically and treat my kids like humans rather than like just merely for convenience or to save time I'm gonna tell this white lie or whatever maybe I apologize

[00:19:43] for not currently having any example but he was teaching me without even saying a word I deserve more than this I deserve more than what you were doing right now and I just love him so much for teaching me that because it was through those subtle non-verbal lessons

[00:20:06] that eventually now I'm a preacher about we're all preachers we're preaching right now about like our kids are human beings they're not just kids they're not just people that need to be at a separate table and so we can see them and not hear them

[00:20:24] they are human beings that we say and we think we believe that they are the most important thing to us in the entire world that we would step in front of traffic for them that we would die for them and why do we shrug our shoulders at them

[00:20:41] and why do we put them at a different table why do we this, why do we that and eventually he was able to communicate that Thomas was able to communicate that through words but I do believe that it was that example that helped me realize

[00:20:57] okay, we need to treat our kids as human beings like it doesn't matter how hard the truth is like we need to tell the truth anything that we expect from them you know, like we all talk about the golden rule but we don't talk about the golden rule

[00:21:12] when it comes to having relationships with our kids because you know we look at it as a different playing level you know, when we're talking about the golden rule we're talking about peers let's think outside the box a little bit those kids are humans

[00:21:27] and there are peers too we should be using the golden rule no matter what age anyone is I think what so what connects what both of you guys are talking about is we preach all day long everybody does the world round

[00:21:47] what is the most important thing in a relationship communication and then when it comes to our children we take our programming that we all have where we had parents the vast majority of people I would say our age the millennials whatever are we millennials? I don't know anymore

[00:22:06] I think I'm a millennial I'm old so I think I'm like I'm just going to proudly bear the flag of millennial right now and I'm not even sure if it's accurate but for most of us had family situations parents who said things like

[00:22:26] children are to be seen not heard or would say things like when a child would ask why because I said so we learned how to shut down communication when it comes to a parental child relationship and it's the number one most important thing in a relationship and so

[00:22:45] when you can step back and open up and allow the other person in this relationship even if you're 33 and that other person is 6 the right to communicate to you how they're feeling what they're thinking and that you aren't just at 33 while they're 6 waiting for your turn to talk

[00:23:05] and you're actually seeking to understand listening with the intent to improve upon the situation or your relationship then everything grows exponentially and that's I feel like what we've been trying to figure out and learn and do with our children but that it comes not naturally to us

[00:23:25] because of how we were raised and so instinctually what's happened for so long is we've said because I said so or don't talk back to me or tell on a white lie and not wanting to have to explain yourself so that a child understands or whatever it is

[00:23:42] and when we take a step back and we allow for the other person no matter how old they are how much we think they know how much we think we know what's right for them the ability to tell us how they feel

[00:23:54] and why they think what we're saying might be not accurate or whatever it might be we open up a space for real relationship and real love and real growth I agree completely and when it comes to a child having a voice it's like if you're saying

[00:24:13] children are to be seen and not heard when is that transition? It's like oh now you're 18 now you have a voice well they don't even know how to use it if they were never given a voice and so if we can give our children a voice

[00:24:28] from the time they are literally 0 year old years old then they will naturally understand that their voice matters that their opinions matter that we don't have to have that bridge crossed or that transition made it's that they know that they have a voice

[00:24:50] that matters and in our interactions with our kids giving them a voice teaches us so much it expands us so much and just a short example that I'll share of that is Jonah on the last little road trip that we were taking we were at a McDonald's

[00:25:12] drive through and AJ and I had a bit of a moment of tension regarding the order I was fun yeah yeah and so I was annoyed that he was annoyed with me I would never and so then we get

[00:25:33] to the gas station right after the McDonald's drive through and AJ is out getting gas in the car and Jonah says to me do you think it would be a good idea to get out and give him a hug and I literally thought he was talking about himself

[00:25:49] I'm like you can do what you want I'm not doing it and then I'm like oh shit he's talking about me yes yes I do think that would be a good idea Jonah thank you for that and I did not want to give that hug

[00:26:07] in the moment I was in my pride I was I was dysregulated but his wisdom in that moment because he knows he has a voice with me and that wasn't necessarily always the case like he has taught us to allow him to have a voice

[00:26:25] all of our children have taught us to allow them to have voices because they are so wise I could give an example, a million examples of each of our children teaching us so many lessons and that moment of me getting out of the car

[00:26:39] to give him a hug because Jonah suggested it made all the difference in that road trip and I think it's so important to me mentioned like we are set on programming like we are so used to what our parents told us like you've mentioned

[00:26:57] like you're seen not heard and like with our kids it's a huge growing potential for us as parents we don't want to be who our parents were we won't know appreciate the things that we hear like are our kids perfect? absolutely not

[00:27:15] 100% no but we've never been in these situations every circumstance that comes our way like we are learning, we are growing and if we're not communicating 100% with our kids even if they do the worst of the worst whatever it is or they do the best

[00:27:31] of the best to celebrate them to talk to them about what can be done better like we have to talk we have to communicate whether it's I'm coming into the house like a banshee or coming in with full excitement if we're not sharing

[00:27:47] in the energy that they're feeling in that moment or the sadness that they're feeling in that moment like we don't know where they're at exactly and growing up I don't feel like that layer of communication ever happens and I do feel like I had a pretty

[00:28:03] great childhood growing up my mom was always there and my communication with my mom was always there like I over shared with her but I want that with my kids but I don't feel like everyone is like that with their kids they're still in that mentality of

[00:28:19] well it was programmed to be this way and I'm going to shut my children out of that energy and this is just what's going to happen and these are the rules that are just going to happen and it's not fair

[00:28:33] it's not fair to these kids to not hear them and to not understand them because this life that we're living in is a thousand percent different from the life that we've grown up in with social media and bullying and just a complete existence we didn't grow up

[00:28:51] with I think it's we have to communicate we have to understand them and that's something that we're accustomed to from what we've grown up as and as parents it's hard to kind of fit that mold of okay this is what we did as children

[00:29:07] so we heard from our parents but what are we going to do that's better how are we going to hear our kids differently than our parents heard us and how are we going to provide everything and it's not the fault of our parents I don't want to say

[00:29:25] like it's a different world and it's a different circumstance and how are we just going to be better all around and just blame our kids for their actions and what are growing is their growing everything's learning and growth and so from our parents

[00:29:41] to us we should grow and learn and from us to our children they should grow and learn you know for sure and it's funny because how many times have you heard your friends other parents being like oh they're teenagers they don't talk to me they shut me out

[00:30:01] I don't know what's going on 13 to 14 years of their lives being like you don't get to talk you don't get to tell us what's going on and then we're like why won't you talk to us you know and so it's all learning and we just have to

[00:30:15] adapt and go with it and not feel bad like shame we've talked about before like you can't have shame around the things you've done wrong the things you haven't handled well the ways you haven't communicated the ways you've shut down communication every moment and recognize like

[00:30:33] I was doing my best before and my best wasn't great when I know better something we like to say a lot and that's all that matters as soon as you know better you're doing better and I think all four of us have really tried to do that

[00:30:49] and failed a lot along the way but have really tried but yeah I agree and I also want to say I loved that you gave an example of Jonah that fitted me with a hug in the end but I loved that you gave an example of Jonah

[00:31:05] communicating and teaching us in a moment where we were struggling and not being great with each other and it reminded me of other things and one popped into my mind that I would love to share it was pretty recently that we were out at our new

[00:31:23] property that I think we've talked about before yeah that no maybe we haven't so we have property that we've bought and this dream to build up a polygamous compound where we all have multiple oh not polygamous I'm sorry nevermind just a compound of where we all have

[00:31:41] our homes and living together I knew like other women who do my laundry sister wives I didn't know I liked it till now but we were out there and we were kind of just laundry helpers must be hot no for sure goes without saying

[00:32:03] yeah I just assumed that but I'm glad you're reinforcing it because now I feel more comfortable hey this is about communication that's right all about communication we were out there we're on this land and we're trying to take a family picture and Anthony who it was hot

[00:32:21] we live in Arizona so it's like 9 million degrees we just wanted to go sit in the car till we left and we're like oh we're going to do this picture we need Anthony to come over here so Jonah out of the goodness of his heart

[00:32:31] runs over there and grabs Anthony from the car that was running with air conditioning don't throw us in jail and he's just sulking back like he obviously didn't feel great he just wanted to wait he didn't want to come for this picture and all of us are

[00:32:47] in a moment as adults and by all of us I mean I'll say definitely me and Toby Morris his biological parents were like let's go let's pick this up you know probably weren't being the most patient weren't being the most kind

[00:33:01] I know there was a lot of energy and many voices towards him saying you need to hurry we're trying to take this picture and the one lone dissenting voice was Chandler who said your good bubs take your time there's no rush and it was genuine

[00:33:21] it wasn't to be contrary to us it was what I felt from and I know you mentioned Chan probably doesn't like to be talked about a lot but I love Chan and he taught me so much in this moment that I saw in him a genuine

[00:33:35] care for Anthony and he taught us all third party there he was showing us that like what are you guys so worried about where's the day going and what are you guys so worried about and I know he's like I'm not sure if he's going to be

[00:33:53] going to be in more minutes to walk over here or if he never makes it everyone's going to be okay and it really taught me in that moment like why do what it was is that I'm wondering what everyone else is thinking like I'm responsible for this child

[00:34:13] he needs to hurry we need to take this picture like how are you feeling like you don't want to come over okay it's not that big of a deal Adobe is great we can touch in here somehow some of us know Photoshop

[00:34:25] and so he really taught me in that moment and it meant a lot to me and it's going to stick with me forever but I just wanted to share that yeah I love it such a big thing and I feel like my spider web brain everything is urgent

[00:34:41] I'm going to say this word but like what's urgent or it's important everything to me because I'm so by the seat of my pants everything has to happen now I need to slow down everything has to happen in a moment and with our kids that's how I am

[00:34:59] like it doesn't have to happen right now you don't have to put it away you don't have to clean up your mess you don't have to express your feelings right now just to be understanding what I may feel not necessarily is that the way they feel

[00:35:15] in the moment and it's not to say that they're going to take advantage of a situation because I don't feel like we treat our children that way but it's like we have to compromise and then communicate like okay this is how I feel right now I feel urgency

[00:35:31] and or you feeling great give them an opportunity they're like I'm napping well I want to play on my 6th and 7th that's not important right now this isn't reality let's get back to reality compromise is that oh my gosh it's such a huge learning lesson for me

[00:35:51] because I'm so instinctual I'm so impulsive I'm so in the moment that it's teaching me like okay tiff take a breath let's talk what is the other person doing even with Jake it's just like okay I want this slow down okay I don't know what your like

[00:36:11] rat brain is going right now but this is what I've got going on my rat brain and even with our kids just understanding where the other wavelength is going I just wanted to share about just it reminded me when tiff was saying well we're programmed

[00:36:29] this way and this is what we believe when I think about my childhood and when I think about how to parent after my childhood I feel like naturally I just want to you know I think about what I liked about my childhood and the parenting

[00:36:45] there in my childhood and what I didn't like and so just naturally and I kind of feel like everybody is this way is like okay I didn't like this so I'm not going to do that I'm going to come up with a different plan for that stuff 20% and

[00:37:03] maybe the percentage is definitely different for everybody or there is no percentage because you don't like math that's me so the other 80% I'm like okay I can parent that way because that was pretty badass I liked that this 20% I'm like ah you know my parents were awesome

[00:37:25] but I think I want to do it a little bit different that way but you know what if our original wiring how we're programmed what we believe from the very beginning starting with us growing up throughout our childhood like skews that 80% that we feel is right so naturally

[00:37:49] we're already trying to fix the things that we didn't like but that's one person out of 7 million that are alive at any given time I'm not taking into account all the people that have lived previously and the people that will live ahead of us so many different personalities

[00:38:07] so many different childhoods and I'm just going to decide okay I didn't like this 20% so I'm going to change that but I did like this 80% so let's just stick with tradition stick with this, stick with that that didn't bother me and what we need to understand

[00:38:29] is that natural programming from our childhood that made us who we are that didn't ultimately bother us that might be something that is in the 20% negative category for our kids yes like it's not a might like guaranteed there are things about our you know things that we're like

[00:38:55] okay we got this dialed in because it was fine for my childhood and it's going to be fine for my kids too that is something that we need to pay attention to re-evaluate realize and how else can we figure it out unless we open up that line

[00:39:15] of communication with our children to where they can try and communicate those things with us you know I feel I'm doing my best here and I feel like it's good but if anything pops up on your radar like teach me because parenting is hard like practicing medicine

[00:39:41] you're practicing parenting and it is hard and just that open communication and it reminds me of my 18 year old daughter Annabelle just recently recently recently we had a negative situation I don't think she'll mind me talking about I mean what the subject matter really is

[00:40:07] nobody's business let's just say that she you know borrowed a car without without checking with me first so I you know I came in very offended very hurt very like hey we're both human beings here this is a two way street so

[00:40:31] what we've already been talking about on the podcast like you know I'm trying to respect you but in this situation I don't feel like you're trying to respect me so what's the deal it should be a two way street and she threw out the card of

[00:40:45] I'm a 16 year old child so I yet what you're saying about the two way street but in some situations like you've got to leave it open you know you've got to understand that you're 42 and I'm 16 and we're both going to make mistakes

[00:41:03] and sometimes they're going to hurt each other sometimes those mistakes are you know going to hurt the other person but anyway so my point is she helped teach me that when it comes to parenting and when it comes to making mistakes absolutely like yeah we're both humans

[00:41:21] and it is a two way street but she's allowed to make more mistakes than I am because because of where she is in the journey instead of me in comparison to me you know I should expect more of myself than I should expect of her absolutely

[00:41:43] and I told her that and I thanked her for helping me realize that but then my rebuttal that was kind of my argument back to her was like but in the category of communication and honesty I do not believe

[00:42:01] that we are on any kind of different playing field we are on the same field you know so you know if you're going to take a car without permission and your dad's mind that's the same as lying straight to my face so how would you feel if

[00:42:21] dad chose a category to lie straight to your face and how long would it take you to forgive me like let's just play a game and anyway she heard me she understood me and she has been spilling her honest guts to me ever since like I just

[00:42:43] absolutely love it I love and adore you Anna thank you so much for being such an amazing example to all of us if there's one thing Anna has taught me again and again in her communication and she has been wise since the day she came out of my

[00:42:59] hoo-ha like tips she teaches me again and again to just own her humaneness and when she and I have ever had a disagreement which honestly has been so few because she's such a gorgeous soul that we can communicate really well together but there are

[00:43:21] definitely times where we disagree and when we do she is so good about trying to understand where she can do better and acknowledge that she's been very open to me which has been something that's very difficult for me it's very vulnerable feels unsafe for me to

[00:43:43] admit that in any way I'm flawed because that makes me feel unsafe and she shows me again and again that it is okay to be a human and she anytime that we have had any kind of discord between us she is able to acknowledge okay this is what

[00:44:01] I could have done differently and I could have done better next time and that is just absolutely mind blowing for a 16 and below human to be able to communicate in such a wise way these children have so much to teach us if we open to them

[00:44:21] and see them as humans we can be each other's teachers we can be each others guides and of course we have a responsibility as their parents to be their protectors their guides we don't ever want them to be to feel like they are in that position

[00:44:37] to have to protect us or anything like that but to see them as equals in the sense that they are humans on their own journey to respect that sovereignty and to really hear them and allow ourselves the opportunity to grow from the experience of allowing

[00:44:55] these humans to be human when they ask why they deserve to know why yeah it's not because I said so and sometimes it might not be the perfect time for a 7 minute explanation and you can say I love and adore you

[00:45:13] and I need you to just trust me in this moment and we will discuss it tonight and you build that trust through the open communication and allowing them to have a voice and be who they are and listening to them which makes me think of the bubble

[00:45:27] I don't have time for on this episode but I would like to talk about the bubble because everybody is going to be on pins and needles what the fuck is the bubble I'm not going to be able to it's a blue blade, it's French blue blade

[00:45:45] it's a very special place yeah it is but it's all about communication no matter how old you are if you're a parent or not you deserve to have that open layer of communication and they're not going to understand your know unless you're communicating with them

[00:46:03] so why and they deserve that and their reasoning as to why they want to do something you deserve that as the parent like we all deserve everyone to spill their guts I just want to say you're the real MVP for being here with a cold

[00:46:21] you are wife in your nose you're a champion I love all of you guys I love you too we've been playing footsie under the table for the last four years I was going to say not only is she rock star in a podcast with a cold

[00:46:39] she just did she just hosted trivia at our restaurant for two hours right before the podcast with a cold after resolving technical problems 48 hours straight you guys are awesome that's right big bucks are cuddles with Jake when they go knitting I will sign up for big bucks

[00:47:03] or cuddles with Jake any day of the week no you cuddle too we'll talk about it later thank you everybody for joining us love you have a long time for parents nine kids I'm queer one thing's clear there's no dysfunction here for parents nine kids two houses

[00:47:29] didn't really want to talk about this for parents nine kids I'm queer one thing's clear there's no dysfunction here