In episode 5, we talk about communication and how essential is it to building lasting relationships with our children from being littles to adults.
[00:00:01] [SPEAKER_00]: 4 Parents, 9 Kids, 2 Houses, Didn't Really Want to Talk About This, 4 Parents, 9 Kids, I'm Queer, 1 Things Clear, There's No Dysfunction Here, 4 Parents, 9 Kids, 2 Houses, Didn't Really Want to Talk About This, 4 Parents, 9 Kids, I'm Queer, 1 Things Clear, There's No Dysfunction Here,
[00:00:26] [SPEAKER_05]: Hey, indeed. I know exactly how to start this podcast episode this week, so I'll get going. Sweet.
[00:00:34] [SPEAKER_05]: Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Tobi. Happy birthday to you.
[00:00:51] [SPEAKER_05]: Wow, we're good.
[00:00:54] [SPEAKER_03]: I am touched. Thank you. This is year number two of my birthday not being triggering.
[00:01:02] [SPEAKER_05]: Wins left and right.
[00:01:03] [SPEAKER_03]: Last year was like the first year ever that I didn't just cry my whole, you know, like birthdays are just triggering with, you know, everybody has different things and then this is year number two of Smiles All Day.
[00:01:16] [SPEAKER_03]: I think that's great.
[00:01:18] [SPEAKER_03]: So yay for healing.
[00:01:19] [SPEAKER_05]: Sweet. It was a wonderful day.
[00:01:22] [SPEAKER_05]: Happy birthday.
[00:01:23] [SPEAKER_03]: Thank you.
[00:01:25] [SPEAKER_05]: Well, thanks for being here again everybody.
[00:01:27] [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I wanted to say with the jingle at the very end, I don't, honestly in my life I've never said babe hand me a beer.
[00:01:37] [SPEAKER_01]: So, I just won't make sure that I know we're just kidding.
[00:01:41] [SPEAKER_05]: That's so true. That's a very good point.
[00:01:43] [SPEAKER_03]: Jake does not like beer.
[00:01:45] [SPEAKER_03]: I remember Jake coming to visit us in Utah one time when he lived in Texas and we lived in Utah and all we had to drink was beer as far as like an alcoholic beverage.
[00:01:56] [SPEAKER_03]: So he's like, could I have mine over ice?
[00:01:59] [SPEAKER_03]: And I was like, what now?
[00:02:02] [SPEAKER_03]: But yeah, he's not a beer person.
[00:02:05] [SPEAKER_05]: Nothing wrong with that.
[00:02:06] [SPEAKER_01]: That is absolutely true.
[00:02:07] [SPEAKER_01]: But the reason that I brought it up was because I'm absolutely not a boss around my wife person.
[00:02:13] [SPEAKER_01]: He doesn't have anything to do with the beer.
[00:02:15] [SPEAKER_01]: That's even more true.
[00:02:17] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't just say like, I'm not ever going to say babe hand me anything but I'll try to be nicer than that.
[00:02:25] [SPEAKER_03]: That's a really good point.
[00:02:27] [SPEAKER_03]: Jake is so polite.
[00:02:29] [SPEAKER_01]: But then again, maybe I shouldn't have told that since it's at the beginning of every podcast.
[00:02:35] [SPEAKER_03]: I think it's important to clarify.
[00:02:37] [SPEAKER_03]: Jake is not a douchebag.
[00:02:39] [SPEAKER_03]: He's actually very polite and he wants something he usually just gets up and gets it himself.
[00:02:46] [SPEAKER_05]: He's a good guy.
[00:02:48] [SPEAKER_02]: He was drinking a beer last night though.
[00:02:51] [SPEAKER_02]: What?
[00:02:52] [SPEAKER_02]: A Heifer Heifersen? What's it called?
[00:02:53] [SPEAKER_01]: Heifer Heifersen?
[00:02:56] [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, it was a Heifer Heifersen.
[00:02:58] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, those are the best kinds.
[00:02:59] [SPEAKER_01]: So good.
[00:03:00] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, those German cowbears.
[00:03:04] [SPEAKER_01]: Oh yeah, we went to, yes, German cowbears.
[00:03:08] [SPEAKER_01]: We went to a birthday party about a half hour away and it was at a bar.
[00:03:14] [SPEAKER_01]: There was live music and we went up and tried to get our drinks and they're like, oh we have this beer?
[00:03:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Wow.
[00:03:22] [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, we have this beer.
[00:03:23] [SPEAKER_01]: That's surprising.
[00:03:24] [SPEAKER_02]: Amazing synchronicity kind of.
[00:03:26] [SPEAKER_02]: I got trashed on Diet Coke all night.
[00:03:29] [SPEAKER_02]: Oh man.
[00:03:30] [SPEAKER_01]: She could in drive.
[00:03:32] [SPEAKER_01]: I was awake all night because of the Diet Coke.
[00:03:35] [SPEAKER_01]: Oh yeah.
[00:03:36] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm paying attention to that.
[00:03:39] [SPEAKER_03]: caffeine, it'll get you.
[00:03:41] [SPEAKER_03]: What are we talking about today guys?
[00:03:43] [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, we did, I think it was episode, what is this?
[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_01]: Episode five?
[00:03:49] [SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
[00:03:50] [SPEAKER_01]: This is episode five.
[00:03:51] [SPEAKER_01]: I think at the end of episode three, we had a little teaser.
[00:03:56] [SPEAKER_05]: That's how you hook line synchromes with the teasers.
[00:03:59] [SPEAKER_05]: We got them in.
[00:04:00] [SPEAKER_05]: Wait until you hear the end of this episode.
[00:04:03] [SPEAKER_05]: And in French, the word is boublé.
[00:04:05] [SPEAKER_05]: Oh yeah.
[00:04:07] [SPEAKER_05]: Tizia.
[00:04:08] [SPEAKER_02]: Michael, boublé?
[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_05]: Yeah.
[00:04:09] [SPEAKER_02]: We understood.
[00:04:15] [SPEAKER_05]: Language is all about getting the point across.
[00:04:18] [SPEAKER_05]: The bubble.
[00:04:19] [SPEAKER_05]: Oh yeah.
[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_05]: The bubble.
[00:04:21] [SPEAKER_05]: I literally did not make the connection about the bubble till just now.
[00:04:29] [SPEAKER_05]: That's embarrassing and on me.
[00:04:31] [SPEAKER_02]: And I truthfully did not know what the bubble was until I became a part of this family.
[00:04:36] [SPEAKER_05]: Me too.
[00:04:37] [SPEAKER_02]: Well, what is the bubble friend?
[00:04:40] [SPEAKER_01]: Can I go into the bubble?
[00:04:42] [SPEAKER_01]: Sure.
[00:04:44] [SPEAKER_01]: Basically means that it's a safe space.
[00:04:47] [SPEAKER_01]: And the child does not have to have any fears about what comes out of their mouth.
[00:04:53] [SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, no repercussions for being able to talk about whatever they want to talk about.
[00:04:59] [SPEAKER_01]: It wasn't their situation like a really young age and I don't even remember what kid it was.
[00:05:04] [SPEAKER_01]: But I want to say it was Jonah but just like, you know, at the age of three or four, like can I go into the bubble?
[00:05:10] [SPEAKER_01]: And they just like said what they thought was a cuss word but it really wasn't.
[00:05:17] [SPEAKER_01]: And then they just ran out of the room like, can I go to the bubble?
[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_01]: Sure.
[00:05:20] [SPEAKER_01]: What the heck?
[00:05:21] [SPEAKER_01]: I just like ran out scared.
[00:05:22] [SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
[00:05:23] [SPEAKER_03]: I think that was Jonah.
[00:05:25] [SPEAKER_03]: We have had many funny bubble moments because when they're little, they say the funniest stuff.
[00:05:32] [SPEAKER_03]: But also, you know, having this figurative, figurative space that the child knows they can always go into.
[00:05:41] [SPEAKER_03]: And when I say no consequences like safe space, it really is.
[00:05:47] [SPEAKER_03]: So like you have to stick with that.
[00:05:49] [SPEAKER_03]: You have to be aware of your energy as a parent when you're hearing whatever is coming out of your child's mouth.
[00:05:55] [SPEAKER_03]: We have had some really funny moments in the bubble.
[00:05:58] [SPEAKER_03]: But more importantly, we've had some moments that have been super enlightening and helpful on our parenting journey because basically, as explained before, the bubble is like a figurative place where the child can ask to go.
[00:06:15] [SPEAKER_03]: And if given permission, there are no consequences inside of the bubble.
[00:06:19] [SPEAKER_03]: And I do remember other kids being like, fuck.
[00:06:24] [SPEAKER_03]: But we also have heard about difficult situations between siblings, difficult situations happening at school or at a friend's house.
[00:06:35] [SPEAKER_03]: There have been a lot of times where we would not have known what a child did if they didn't feel safe enough to come and say it in the bubble.
[00:06:44] [SPEAKER_03]: So it's important that we all have a safe space to communicate.
[00:06:50] [SPEAKER_03]: So I just think it was kind of helpful and it still is, you know, helpful for our kids to have that intact.
[00:06:59] [SPEAKER_05]: Agreed.
[00:07:00] [SPEAKER_05]: It's almost to me there've been so many experiences like that are the equivalent of you've heard of like parents that are like if you're at a party and you're in trouble or whatever.
[00:07:10] [SPEAKER_05]: No questions asked. Give me a call and I'll come get you that kind of a thing.
[00:07:14] [SPEAKER_05]: There have been many moments that have stemmed almost like that from the bubble where it's like you're hearing some things that you're not so excited about, you know, as a parent and might concern you a little bit.
[00:07:25] [SPEAKER_05]: But you're getting to big issues and hearing things that you never would have heard about as a parent because your child was worried that they might be getting in trouble for something else that was attached to it or even the scenario itself.
[00:07:39] [SPEAKER_05]: And so many times we've been able to counsel or help kids through something or learn something.
[00:07:46] [SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, that we otherwise would not have known that maybe, you know, somebody else is in danger or something that's going on and I just feel like it has given us so many opportunities to help and understand our kids better.
[00:08:00] [SPEAKER_01]: When I was a kid, you know, my parents were really kind of mean and I think they were great parents or are great parents.
[00:08:09] [SPEAKER_01]: But for some reason, even though I thought I think that I had a great childhood, I was scared to death of making a peep in church.
[00:08:18] [SPEAKER_01]: Like I thought that my parents were going to kill me if I made any noise in church like from since I could remember.
[00:08:25] [SPEAKER_01]: But they weren't going to kill me. Why? Why do we as kids, even if we have a good childhood and our parents aren't abusive towards us or even spank us very often?
[00:08:38] [SPEAKER_01]: Like why do we get so scared and think that it's going to be the end of the world if we do something wrong?
[00:08:44] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't really have the answer for that. But I do think that the bubble provides an opportunity these kids to children in general to, you know, the end goal is we just want honesty among all of us.
[00:09:02] [SPEAKER_01]: Like regardless of the communication, parents to kids, parents to parents, kids to kids, like whatever.
[00:09:09] [SPEAKER_01]: We just want open, honest, caring communication.
[00:09:14] [SPEAKER_01]: And if children are naturally going to be afraid of telling the truth or any human being for that matter and naturally going to be afraid of telling the truth because of the potential consequences that are going through their mind,
[00:09:31] [SPEAKER_01]: then why not at a very young age create something like the bubble?
[00:09:36] [SPEAKER_01]: It's like we're just calling it the bubble, but really we're just teaching honest, open communication at a very young age.
[00:09:44] [SPEAKER_01]: We're teaching that safe space.
[00:09:46] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, when's the last time somebody asked me my youngest child is 15?
[00:09:51] [SPEAKER_01]: Our youngest? Well, I can't say that because some of us have different children.
[00:09:55] [SPEAKER_01]: You know, it's been years since anybody asked me to go into the bubble.
[00:09:59] [SPEAKER_05]: Right.
[00:10:00] [SPEAKER_01]: But it's only been minutes since one of my children had an honest conversation with me that might not have happened if we hadn't created that safe space in the first place.
[00:10:14] [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.
[00:10:14] [SPEAKER_01]: The bubble idea, it's just like a, you know, easy to understand, a whole lot easier for children ages three, four, five, six, seven to understand than open, honest, caring communication.
[00:10:27] [SPEAKER_01]: How do you explain that to a child?
[00:10:29] [SPEAKER_05]: True. You don't. You just trick them into it.
[00:10:32] [SPEAKER_05]: You just trick them into the bubble.
[00:10:34] [SPEAKER_05]: Yeah, no, this is looking at this fun space over here.
[00:10:37] [SPEAKER_01]: It's very safe.
[00:10:37] [SPEAKER_01]: It's very safe.
[00:10:38] [SPEAKER_01]: You do it.
[00:10:39] [SPEAKER_01]: There's candy in that white band.
[00:10:40] [SPEAKER_01]: That's right.
[00:10:41] [SPEAKER_02]: But it's true.
[00:10:42] [SPEAKER_02]: Like for the most part, like in our house, we are all, they're all teenagers.
[00:10:47] [SPEAKER_02]: So it's not even asking, can I go into the bubble?
[00:10:50] [SPEAKER_02]: But can I, can we talk?
[00:10:52] [SPEAKER_04]: Mm hmm.
[00:10:53] [SPEAKER_02]: Like do you have a second and they don't have to have the fear of, well, maybe they still do, whether it's going to be like, are they disappointing us?
[00:11:01] [SPEAKER_02]: They do something that we just wouldn't approve of because they didn't have permission, but it's more comfortable now.
[00:11:09] [SPEAKER_02]: They can say how they feel and what's going on.
[00:11:12] [SPEAKER_02]: And there's times where, like Toby mentioned, there's, I think you mentioned it, like a conflict with a sibling and they're sharing information and they might be nervous and they don't necessarily want that sibling to know that they're having some type of inner confrontation or whatnot.
[00:11:29] [SPEAKER_02]: But we talk it through.
[00:11:30] [SPEAKER_02]: It's important to hear, we listen and we provide insight.
[00:11:35] [SPEAKER_02]: You know, it might not be the best advice and maybe between the four of us, it's going to be different advice.
[00:11:41] [SPEAKER_02]: But it just makes them feel comfortable and safe and maybe we can bring in the other sibling and just have a conversation together instead of internalizing it as like one person.
[00:12:05] [SPEAKER_03]: Agreed.
[00:12:05] [SPEAKER_03]: And that is concerning regarding someone else and it's happened probably to all of us where someone's drawn into the bubble and they have something negative about another one of the parents.
[00:12:18] [SPEAKER_03]: And how do you go about that with confidentiality and trust and whatnot?
[00:12:24] [SPEAKER_05]: That's a really good point.
[00:12:25] [SPEAKER_05]: And the best part about all of it, and I feel like what we're trying to do is that we're not claiming to have it all figured out.
[00:12:32] [SPEAKER_05]: And you know, like if presented in five minutes with one of those various scenarios, even with us being in a great place and feeling like we have pretty good open communication between us and great intentions, it would be difficult.
[00:12:46] [SPEAKER_05]: Like, well, how do I go about this now without betraying that child's trust and making sure that I'm also being fair to whatever I feel like I need to do or say.
[00:12:54] [SPEAKER_05]: And but I think that going back to what Jake was saying, like it's open on us communication.
[00:13:00] [SPEAKER_05]: I think because we built that path like it makes it easier to broach those conversations and situations and figure out what the best or most tactful way to do it is that's fair to everybody.
[00:13:14] [SPEAKER_02]: And I know we mentioned it a lot. We're not perfect.
[00:13:19] [SPEAKER_05]: And we are keep saying that and I keep telling you.
[00:13:22] [SPEAKER_02]: But we are for very real parents. And the four of us haven't always gotten along.
[00:13:30] [SPEAKER_02]: We've had disagreements and a child may go into the bubble and say like to be like, well tiffed at this at the house today.
[00:13:37] [SPEAKER_02]: And I think it's important, especially with co-parenting in separate households to let the listeners know like how do we handle that?
[00:13:45] [SPEAKER_02]: You know, maybe we are in a disagreement mode and there are probably moms and stepmoms out there that don't want to look at each other.
[00:13:53] [SPEAKER_02]: Let alone be able to come over and have dinner for your birthday. You know what I mean?
[00:13:57] [SPEAKER_02]: So it's important to recognize for dads and stepdads and moms and stepmoms out there like if your child comes to you and they're confiding in you that something's going on that's hurting them.
[00:14:09] [SPEAKER_02]: What is the best method to communicate to a parent that maybe you don't get along with so well?
[00:14:16] [SPEAKER_05]: And I think it's important to note too that we haven't always handled those well.
[00:14:22] [SPEAKER_05]: Especially when we're at odds or we're having issues with each other.
[00:14:27] [SPEAKER_05]: There have definitely been times where a child can come and be like, well this parent's doing this or saying this.
[00:14:33] [SPEAKER_05]: And we're already in a hard situation with that parent about some other issue or whatever is going on.
[00:14:39] [SPEAKER_05]: So it's easy to want to fall into the trap of like, ha see you know, that feeling and personally I've been guilty of it.
[00:14:48] [SPEAKER_05]: I think it's what we've worked to get out of and not have as part of our relationship as four parents anymore.
[00:14:55] [SPEAKER_05]: And it's work every day. Just continue to give the benefit of the doubt like we've talked about before.
[00:15:00] [SPEAKER_05]: And that's all I got.
[00:15:01] [SPEAKER_02]: AJ, you mentioned something about the kids talking to and of course like we've all been in the same situation.
[00:15:07] [SPEAKER_02]: So I think it's interesting to bring this up as your child maybe negatively speaking about a parent.
[00:15:15] [SPEAKER_02]: I feel like I come from a divorced family and growing up and one thing because I am divorced with two children
[00:15:27] [SPEAKER_02]: and I was a single mom for a moment and I pride myself in the fact I did not speak negatively about my children's father to them.
[00:15:36] [SPEAKER_02]: So if they were upset about something or any of our children are upset about us,
[00:15:40] [SPEAKER_02]: I think it's respectful and caring and loving to learn not to do that because in the moment your child can be so hurt
[00:15:50] [SPEAKER_02]: and so enraged and when you're looking at divorced families and they're not happy at one house
[00:15:56] [SPEAKER_02]: and they're going to the other house and talking to parents not to jump on that board like,
[00:16:00] [SPEAKER_02]: yeah, you're right. Like they do all this wrong.
[00:16:05] [SPEAKER_02]: Like yes we want to be empathetic and feel for our children but when it's at somebody else's expense
[00:16:11] [SPEAKER_02]: that they're supposed to love and respect and it's just something I've worked very hard with
[00:16:18] [SPEAKER_02]: not speaking negatively about my ex-husband to my two and I'm sure it happens every day.
[00:16:26] [SPEAKER_02]: Like I hear conversations of people like outside of our family like negatively speaking about their partner to their children
[00:16:33] [SPEAKER_02]: and I'm like why do you want to provide such trauma because when that kid gets older that's sticking with them
[00:16:40] [SPEAKER_02]: and that's really, really hard I think to bite your tongue because in that moment you probably are like
[00:16:45] [SPEAKER_02]: you know you just let it all out and I'm like moving in my chair which you can't see but
[00:16:51] [SPEAKER_02]: does that make sense? Yeah absolutely.
[00:16:54] [SPEAKER_01]: It reminds me of a time one of our kids I don't know a year or two ago
[00:17:00] [SPEAKER_01]: they were saying something about you guys about something that was going on at your household
[00:17:05] [SPEAKER_01]: you and Toby and AJ he was saying something in a positive light and it was during a time where we were arguing
[00:17:13] [SPEAKER_01]: and so since I was trying not to just engage in saying things negative and talk trash about Toby and AJ
[00:17:26] [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't want to do that. I knew I didn't want to do that but I also didn't want to contribute to the positive conversation either
[00:17:36] [SPEAKER_01]: because of my own personal feelings about you guys in that moment and I don't think he'll mind me telling
[00:17:47] [SPEAKER_01]: like it was Jonah you know he's 15 now so he's probably 13 at the time but he said and I think it has everything to do with
[00:17:57] [SPEAKER_01]: opening up that honest communication like with the bubble he was able to say can I tell you that it bothers me
[00:18:07] [SPEAKER_01]: that you don't have anything positive to say about Toby and AJ. I'm like what do you mean?
[00:18:13] [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not like I'm not talking trash like I just didn't say anything and he's like and so you know 13 like we don't give our
[00:18:22] [SPEAKER_01]: my point is we don't give our kids enough credit for what they pick up on even if we think that staying silent
[00:18:32] [SPEAKER_01]: like you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all well that didn't work for me in that moment either
[00:18:39] [SPEAKER_01]: you know and it negatively impacted him because I wasn't sharing in the positivity and that was a huge eye-opener for me
[00:18:54] [SPEAKER_01]: you know thinking that I'm doing such a good job by not saying anything at all and learning a big old lesson in that moment
[00:19:03] [SPEAKER_01]: of not doing anything at all isn't good enough was able to learn from that experience.
[00:19:09] [SPEAKER_05]: I love that I mean I don't know how you guys feel but absolutely guilty of the exact same thing where it's like
[00:19:15] [SPEAKER_05]: you're just trying to you think you're trying to be the bigger person than an adult and like I'm not going to
[00:19:22] [SPEAKER_05]: you know do anything that's negative but you're so focused on not being negative that you're just not being positive either
[00:19:29] [SPEAKER_05]: you know and your opportunities when a child's coming to you and like you said they're so smart they know they pick up on
[00:19:37] [SPEAKER_05]: everything they understand it all like even if they don't understand what's going on between parents they understand the
[00:19:43] [SPEAKER_05]: energy around what's going on between parents right and so definitely been in the exact same situation where
[00:19:50] [SPEAKER_05]: something said and maybe I'm not you know saying anything negative or I'm not you know doing anything to put that down
[00:19:58] [SPEAKER_05]: but I'm not acknowledging what's being said or I'm not validating you know the positivity that child's trying to bring
[00:20:05] [SPEAKER_05]: to me about somebody that maybe I'm at odds with her having an issue with at the moment so I think it's important
[00:20:10] [SPEAKER_05]: to recognize that supporting your kids in those relationships with other parents isn't just about refraining
[00:20:18] [SPEAKER_05]: from you know making it negative you have a responsibility I think as a parent to foster those relationships and encourage
[00:20:26] [SPEAKER_05]: the positivity and celebrate the positivity in their relationship with anyone else even if you're struggling with that person
[00:20:33] [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely I love it and it goes back to what Toby was saying I don't even remember if it was in podcast but I've heard
[00:20:39] [SPEAKER_01]: you say it several times in the last few weeks if you disagree with what somebody's saying so in my situation with
[00:20:45] [SPEAKER_01]: Jonah what I was just saying like he was saying something positive ultimately I disagreed and so I just kept my mouth shut
[00:20:51] [SPEAKER_01]: but what you've said is like if you disagree with something that somebody's saying like your job should be to find
[00:20:59] [SPEAKER_01]: at least one thing that you can agree with and be vocal about it talk about that thing you know
[00:21:05] [SPEAKER_03]: I was just along with that going to say that it's important that our kids know they have a safe space to talk
[00:21:12] [SPEAKER_03]: about things that are negative in their life but that doesn't necessarily mean we need to jump on the negative bandwagon
[00:21:19] [SPEAKER_03]: we don't have to be like hey you're being negative you need to be more positive sometimes something needs cleared
[00:21:24] [SPEAKER_03]: they need to really talk about it but we can still do our very best to stay neutral when it comes to
[00:21:32] [SPEAKER_03]: judgments or opinions and understand that there's two sides to every story and when it especially when it comes to
[00:21:39] [SPEAKER_03]: a story a child is telling us in the bubble about or in confidence about another parent to be very aware of
[00:21:50] [SPEAKER_03]: the triggers that might create in us that we want to jump on that bandwagon of negativity be aware that oh this is a time
[00:21:58] [SPEAKER_03]: where I need to be very intentional about staying neutral and I think so much of the time with older kids
[00:22:05] [SPEAKER_03]: it's just as much communication as you can so it's like if there is an issue with another parent say yeah this seems like
[00:22:13] [SPEAKER_03]: a really important conversation to have with that person here so maybe we can set up a meeting and talk without judgment
[00:22:21] [SPEAKER_03]: but just speak freely and like man these kids are so wise and so naturally reasonable that we haven't run into
[00:22:32] [SPEAKER_03]: anything yet that that can't be like worked out through discussion when it when it comes to these issues of like
[00:22:39] [SPEAKER_03]: we disagree with you and we with the choice you're making or whatever it is I don't know it just seems like
[00:22:48] [SPEAKER_02]: communication is such a key to all of it yeah and we I'm okay sharing this I don't think you'll mind me sharing
[00:22:57] [SPEAKER_02]: this I don't think Anna and Jonah would mind either but it created an extremely eye-opening life moment for me
[00:23:03] [SPEAKER_02]: they had asked to speak with Jake about situations where I may be a negative person and it hurt me to hear that I was hurting my kids
[00:23:14] [SPEAKER_02]: and at first you know because I'm like in defense mode I get really angry I'm like I need to process this and it hurt
[00:23:20] [SPEAKER_02]: like it hurt bad because I don't want to hurt the people I love but then Jake and I had a conversation and I made some
[00:23:28] [SPEAKER_02]: real hard mental choices and just did some things to better myself and now my perception is completely changed
[00:23:36] [SPEAKER_02]: and I strive harder to if I see they're excited about something even if I'm in a really really bad moment
[00:23:43] [SPEAKER_02]: I'm wanting to share that excitement with them and I just have to remember again like perceptions everything
[00:23:50] [SPEAKER_02]: if I'm in a bad mood I can't let that bleed out to the people around me because my negative energy is now becoming their
[00:23:58] [SPEAKER_02]: negative energy and just if they would not have had that open communication with Jake I would not have been made aware of it
[00:24:06] [SPEAKER_02]: I would not have been eye-opened by the circumstance and looked to change myself in my perception
[00:24:13] [SPEAKER_02]: like I'm still Tiff, I still do everything Tiff does but the way I look at interactions with the kids has drastically changed
[00:24:20] [SPEAKER_02]: for the better in my opinion
[00:24:21] [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah we're four parents that are thanks for sharing that Tiff
[00:24:26] [SPEAKER_01]: We're four parents that baby I never call you Tiff
[00:24:30] [SPEAKER_01]: That was weird
[00:24:31] [SPEAKER_05]: I just called Toby while we were playing a game of poker earlier today and I was like that felt wrong
[00:24:36] [SPEAKER_05]: I didn't like that
[00:24:38] [SPEAKER_05]: Oh you did
[00:24:40] [SPEAKER_05]: I like honey
[00:24:41] [SPEAKER_01]: Well we're four parents, parents that you know in our minds we are trying our absolute best
[00:24:48] [SPEAKER_01]: We love our kids to the end of the world and there's nothing that we won't do for them
[00:24:53] [SPEAKER_01]: So you know recognizing it's not easy for us to recognize if we are making any mistakes
[00:25:00] [SPEAKER_01]: or if there are any possibilities of improvement
[00:25:03] [SPEAKER_01]: It's like in our minds we're trying our best and it's all day every day you know how much naturally
[00:25:11] [SPEAKER_01]: How are we going to find out what our faults are if we have any unless somebody brings it to our attention
[00:25:20] [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know I thought you know that was a tough tough situation
[00:25:24] [SPEAKER_01]: but it was honesty and communication from all angles that helped us get through it
[00:25:33] [SPEAKER_01]: All of us get through it because it wasn't all like hey Tiff you know you're the problem
[00:25:40] [SPEAKER_01]: and this is how to fix it
[00:25:43] [SPEAKER_01]: You know Anna learned some lessons in that situation
[00:25:48] [SPEAKER_01]: You know I learned some lessons in that situation
[00:25:50] [SPEAKER_01]: I learned some lessons in that situation
[00:25:53] [SPEAKER_01]: We all learned something from it of how we could have improved
[00:25:58] [SPEAKER_01]: and then the ultimate goal is good honest communication
[00:26:02] [SPEAKER_01]: and ultimate positivity and peace more positivity and peace than we had before
[00:26:09] [SPEAKER_01]: and so I just think it's great
[00:26:12] [SPEAKER_03]: I think it's great too and I think what is on full display by these kids is courage
[00:26:19] [SPEAKER_03]: I feel like communication requires courage when we're talking about these vulnerable situations
[00:26:27] [SPEAKER_03]: that are difficult tough topics you know and the bubble starting early with giving your children the safe space
[00:26:35] [SPEAKER_03]: to communicate it's not going to be everything our kids are still going to be nervous
[00:26:39] [SPEAKER_03]: and avoid the bubble and lie sometimes and whatever we're all going to be all flawed
[00:26:45] [SPEAKER_03]: that's the way it is but really starting to build that foundation of communication
[00:26:50] [SPEAKER_03]: and courageous communication leads to moments like this where a 15 and 16 year old can talk to their parents about something that
[00:27:00] [SPEAKER_03]: you know they adore and love Tiff so they don't want to hurt her feelings
[00:27:05] [SPEAKER_03]: and so you know it's just important that we set this standard of you have a voice in this family
[00:27:14] [SPEAKER_05]: I love it and I think with all of what we're talking about with these different stories and examples
[00:27:20] [SPEAKER_05]: and the idea of the bubble and how as Jake so beautifully put it
[00:27:25] [SPEAKER_05]: it really has transitioned to what it is meant to be which is open and honest communication
[00:27:32] [SPEAKER_05]: it's turned into that for all of us in a bigger way and also we're still adapting and we're still learning
[00:27:40] [SPEAKER_05]: and so when a parent when a child comes to a parent and goes into the bubble and wants to talk about another parent
[00:27:48] [SPEAKER_05]: we we're learning in that situation you know the first time it's like I have no idea how to handle this
[00:27:55] [SPEAKER_05]: I don't know what I'm supposed to do I'm probably reacting the wrong way and being like yeah that's not right
[00:27:59] [SPEAKER_05]: like let's both be upset at them or whatever it might be but now you know I think if that were to happen to any of us
[00:28:05] [SPEAKER_05]: our first reaction is okay I can be a listener I can empathize with you
[00:28:12] [SPEAKER_05]: but I can even and what's so great about it is even you know like Jonah and any of our kids
[00:28:18] [SPEAKER_05]: they're they've been in this process long enough now too that they understand that if they come and do that
[00:28:23] [SPEAKER_05]: and we say we empathize then we say directly but it's really not my role or place to to try to fix this
[00:28:33] [SPEAKER_05]: it sounds like it's a conversation between you and your mom or you and your dad or you and Tiff or whoever it is
[00:28:38] [SPEAKER_05]: and I can I can empathize like I really understand why that seems very difficult
[00:28:43] [SPEAKER_05]: but I encourage you to take this to the next step and talk to them directly about it because they're
[00:28:49] [SPEAKER_05]: they're you know they've always shown that they're great with open and honest communication
[00:28:53] [SPEAKER_05]: they want to hear how you're feeling and what you're doing and what you're saying just like Jake was just talking about
[00:28:58] [SPEAKER_05]: you know with that situation with you guys I think that we've seen how it's grown
[00:29:03] [SPEAKER_05]: and now we have fewer and fewer situations where we feel like we don't know what to do here
[00:29:09] [SPEAKER_05]: we feel like at least they're somewhat we're like okay I've been through this before
[00:29:13] [SPEAKER_05]: this worked well last time it didn't work well when I did it this way before
[00:29:16] [SPEAKER_05]: I'm gonna go this route and maybe try to tweak it a little bit to have it be even better
[00:29:21] [SPEAKER_05]: and less intrusive or whatever it might be
[00:29:24] [SPEAKER_03]: love it or shout me too
[00:29:27] [SPEAKER_01]: I just one more thing as far as the bubble concern and and and what it's taught me is that when we
[00:29:37] [SPEAKER_01]: you know at younger ages for our children when they say I want to go into the bubble
[00:29:42] [SPEAKER_01]: and ultimately the idea is it's a safe space and you're not gonna get in trouble for what you say
[00:29:48] [SPEAKER_01]: all that just kind of opens up a big can of worms on whether or not you feel like you're allowed to punish
[00:29:54] [SPEAKER_01]: the child if they tell you something that absolutely deserves a punishment
[00:29:59] [SPEAKER_01]: so it's like you know if you normally if your kids skip school and you find out about it
[00:30:08] [SPEAKER_01]: and you're gonna you know you're gonna ground them for a week because they skip school
[00:30:13] [SPEAKER_01]: that's what you normally would do that's your MO but they go into the bubble and tell you about it right after
[00:30:20] [SPEAKER_01]: they get home from a ledge school and it's before they got in trouble at school
[00:30:25] [SPEAKER_01]: they just came home and told tell you about it open the honest communication
[00:30:30] [SPEAKER_01]: you know it's just kind of a sticky situation like so am I allowed to punish them or not
[00:30:35] [SPEAKER_01]: because they went into the bubble
[00:30:37] [SPEAKER_03]: I think we could totally continue this conversation because I think that question could be an episode on its own
[00:30:45] [SPEAKER_03]: like it does get complicated and when a child confides in you something that it's your job to give them a consequence for
[00:30:54] [SPEAKER_03]: it does put you in a sticky situation and it could lead into a conversation about natural consequences as well
[00:31:02] [SPEAKER_03]: and just the way that we've kind of learned to parent with you know you always say the biggest punishment is this lecture
[00:31:08] [SPEAKER_03]: you know like a two hour long talk or whatever I do think somehow we have managed to never punish a child
[00:31:17] [SPEAKER_03]: for anything they go into the bubble with but also that doesn't mean moving forward we set boundaries
[00:31:24] [SPEAKER_03]: the next time you ask to use the car oh I'm sorry you have broken trust and so we're just working on building some trust back
[00:31:34] [SPEAKER_03]: but that's not a consequence of the thing it's just knowledge and awareness you know like
[00:31:42] [SPEAKER_03]: so I don't know it gets tricky for sure but I think that there are a lot of situations with communication with kids
[00:31:50] [SPEAKER_03]: that we could kind of dissect I think we just got our teaser for another episode
[00:31:55] [SPEAKER_05]: I was gonna say I told you there'd be one the bubble part two
[00:32:00] [SPEAKER_03]: don't pop my bubble
[00:32:01] [SPEAKER_05]: for at least two minutes before another time
[00:32:04] [SPEAKER_05]: alright guys well thanks again
[00:32:07] [SPEAKER_03]: happy birthday
[00:32:08] [SPEAKER_03]: happy birthday indeed
[00:32:11] [SPEAKER_03]: trauma free birthdays
[00:32:12] [SPEAKER_05]: yeah celebrate
[00:32:15] [SPEAKER_05]: like and subscribe
[00:32:17] [SPEAKER_03]: click something down below
[00:32:19] [SPEAKER_03]: you want a trauma free birthday
[00:32:22] [SPEAKER_03]: yes
[00:32:24] [SPEAKER_05]: alright guys
[00:32:26] [SPEAKER_05]: see you later
[00:32:27] [SPEAKER_00]: bye
[00:32:49] [SPEAKER_00]: some clear one things clear there's no dysfunction here
[00:32:54] Dave, hand me a beer