In episode 6, we continue tid bits and insight from ep5, The Bubble. We discuss the importance of challenges we've faced, how we've overcome communication struggles and the lessons we've learned and shared with our children.
[00:00:01] 4 Parents, 9 Kids, 2 Houses, Didn't Really Want to Talk About This
[00:00:07] 4 Parents, 9 Kids, I'm Queer, One Thing's Clear, There's No Dysfunction Here
[00:00:13] 4 Parents, 9 Kids, 2 Houses, Didn't Really Want to Talk About This
[00:00:18] 4 Parents, 9 Kids, I'm Queer, One Thing's Clear, There's No Dysfunction Here
[00:00:24] I love that song. I love it too. You know what I love most about it?
[00:00:29] I just realized, very demure, very thoughtful. Very cutey, very meaningful.
[00:00:38] Jake's like what? You show up to the podcast, you're ready to go.
[00:00:43] You have a jingle, very thoughtful. Very demure. Very demure.
[00:00:47] I'm gonna have to work up the ambition to Google this. That's right.
[00:00:50] I feel like I learned what it was but then I forgot.
[00:00:53] But I did hear J-Lo did a TikTok. So whoever originated this, very demure.
[00:01:00] Whatever it was.
[00:01:03] Maybe you can see the J-Lo. J-Lo? Yeah.
[00:01:07] This is to your even name. What is it?
[00:01:10] Yeah well, I think that should be our first No Dysfunction Here TikTok.
[00:01:15] Being very demure, very mindful. Very demure.
[00:01:23] I love that I have no idea. I will not try to love it right now for you.
[00:01:29] I won't explain it.
[00:01:29] Oh anybody tries to explain it, they might get throw-punched.
[00:01:32] Not you guys but like any random.
[00:01:35] Yeah. I love when you're in a conversation with people and they're talking about something like we are
[00:01:39] and you're that person that's like what the fuck?
[00:01:42] Are they talking? And you're like smiling and nodding like yeah!
[00:01:45] Oh yeah!
[00:01:46] I have no idea.
[00:01:47] Absolutely. But yeah that jingle every time I hear it, it just, I don't know,
[00:01:54] I just get more, it doesn't change but I get more and more and more impressed every single time.
[00:02:00] Jonah you're just incredible.
[00:02:01] It really is great every time I hear it.
[00:02:03] And people who have listened to the podcast that I know,
[00:02:06] it's the first thing they say every time.
[00:02:08] It's like that jingle is phenomenal.
[00:02:10] And shout out to Jonah for editing our podcast.
[00:02:14] He's just a man of many talents.
[00:02:16] Oh yeah.
[00:02:17] Well done.
[00:02:18] Idiot.
[00:02:19] I'm trying to convince him to make me a cartoon.
[00:02:21] We'll see how that goes.
[00:02:22] Oh my gosh, I just learned about the cartoon idea the other day and I was like,
[00:02:28] I read, watch, listen.
[00:02:31] I know same!
[00:02:33] I'm very interested in your cartoon idea.
[00:02:35] I want to hear more about it in person.
[00:02:37] Would you be just a cartoon character?
[00:02:38] Is it like a whole comic series?
[00:02:41] What is it?
[00:02:42] Wait where's the NDA?
[00:02:43] We need him to sign.
[00:02:44] Oh yeah, wait never mind should we not be talking about this.
[00:02:47] Squirrel!
[00:02:47] We can't talk about this or Brandon.
[00:02:50] Let's go on both.
[00:02:52] Be more demure.
[00:02:53] Be more demure.
[00:02:54] I should have been more demure right there.
[00:02:58] It was not demure of me to ask.
[00:02:59] It's not thoughtful but I'm pretty sure it is mindful.
[00:03:01] I think they're all demure.
[00:03:03] You can be mindful, you can be thoughtful, you can be cutesy.
[00:03:06] The word demure makes me think of the word manure.
[00:03:10] Which they do not call.
[00:03:11] Which is not cutesy.
[00:03:13] Maneure is not demure.
[00:03:16] Not demure.
[00:03:16] There's the name of this episode.
[00:03:18] Put that shit on a shirt.
[00:03:21] Literal shit on a shirt.
[00:03:24] Maneure.
[00:03:25] That's the opposite of demure.
[00:03:28] Not mindful.
[00:03:29] Why is it with me mindful?
[00:03:31] Because you have people to laugh right?
[00:03:32] Oh yeah, that's true.
[00:03:34] Boom!
[00:03:34] It's cutesy.
[00:03:35] Nailed it.
[00:03:36] I'm now looking forward to demure being on the let's go Brandon list.
[00:03:41] I'm just going to refuse to ever learn what it is.
[00:03:44] Well, our tiff make you a shirt that says things I don't get.
[00:03:48] Don't try to explain that to me.
[00:03:50] I love it.
[00:03:51] Let's go demure, Brandon.
[00:03:56] Yes!
[00:03:57] Period.
[00:03:58] My newest movement of jazz.
[00:04:00] Seriously, that needs to be a shirt.
[00:04:03] Let's go demure, Brandon.
[00:04:04] Yeah.
[00:04:05] All right.
[00:04:06] I'll wear it.
[00:04:07] So good.
[00:04:08] Jonah's in charge of our merch too, Jonah.
[00:04:10] People will be like, what does this shirt mean?
[00:04:13] I don't know.
[00:04:15] The biggest smile ever.
[00:04:17] The best point because you don't know what either one means.
[00:04:19] It's brilliant.
[00:04:20] It really is.
[00:04:22] Good Lord.
[00:04:22] I know what I'm wearing tomorrow.
[00:04:24] Weird genius.
[00:04:25] Accidental brilliance.
[00:04:26] Well that brings me to last week.
[00:04:31] How was my transition guys?
[00:04:32] That was a good transition.
[00:04:34] Your one demure off.
[00:04:36] Not very thoughtful.
[00:04:40] Mindful.
[00:04:41] Sorry, I keep messing with them.
[00:04:43] I wouldn't know how to be demure if it hit me in the face.
[00:04:46] That's gross.
[00:04:48] I think.
[00:04:51] Don't ask.
[00:04:54] And let's see.
[00:04:56] Last week we were talking about the bubble and we left off kind of touching on one
[00:05:02] thing.
[00:05:03] What about if somebody says something inside of the bubble, a child to a parent
[00:05:09] that is consequence worthy?
[00:05:13] Maybe something severe.
[00:05:15] What to do in that situation and just to kind of go back for anyone who
[00:05:22] hasn't heard the last podcast episode.
[00:05:26] The bubble is something we were talking about last week.
[00:05:31] It is a figurative place where a child can go and ask permission to go
[00:05:39] and for whatever amount of time, usually I would be like, okay,
[00:05:43] bubble's over now.
[00:05:45] Once I heard enough.
[00:05:49] But basically the child if they have something difficult to talk about
[00:05:53] can ask to go into the bubble and within the bubble there are no
[00:05:57] consequences whatsoever to whatever they are talking about.
[00:06:03] So we've had kids go into the bubble just to be like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
[00:06:07] fuck.
[00:06:07] And then we've had other times where a kid has told us that there was
[00:06:12] something inappropriate happening or that they had broken a rule or
[00:06:17] done something they were ashamed of.
[00:06:19] And so it's been a wonderful tool for our family.
[00:06:23] So we thought we would share it.
[00:06:25] And I think another part of that too actually that I was just thinking of
[00:06:28] while you were talking about it is that there have been many times where
[00:06:33] a child knows something is coming or can tell what the way a
[00:06:38] conversation is going that they might want to try to get out ahead
[00:06:42] of something and they'll be like, can I go in the bubble?
[00:06:44] And we've been very aware of like, nah, we're past that time.
[00:06:50] Yeah, sometimes the answer is no.
[00:06:52] And I think we got to a place where we're pretty good about understanding
[00:06:56] and seeing when kids were trying to manipulate it or use it in a way
[00:07:01] that was like, I need to get out of trouble.
[00:07:02] Yeah, but overall I feel like even if it's something that has consequences
[00:07:06] and I would love for you guys to chime in on what your thoughts are,
[00:07:10] but every time a kid has come to us and told us something that is
[00:07:16] quote unquote bad or unhealthy or damaging or whatever that they did,
[00:07:23] it's like what is a consequence?
[00:07:26] What is a consequence?
[00:07:29] A consequence could definitely just be a really long conversation
[00:07:33] with the parent and also moving forward a different understanding
[00:07:40] of what that child might be ready for in their life.
[00:07:43] Maybe they're not ready for as much freedom as we thought
[00:07:45] or as much access to media as we thought or, you know,
[00:07:50] a lower curfew might be in order or something that wouldn't be considered
[00:07:55] in my mind a direct punishment like go to your room,
[00:07:59] you're grounded for a week.
[00:08:01] That's never happened within the bubble,
[00:08:02] but it does help us get a better understanding of where the child is
[00:08:07] and how to go about parenting.
[00:08:09] And if you want to call that a consequence, I guess it is.
[00:08:12] I mean, everything is cause and effect, you know?
[00:08:15] Yeah, absolutely.
[00:08:16] I think we also, the bubble is a huge part in helping us specifically
[00:08:23] in our home like really kind of veered towards the idea of natural consequences
[00:08:29] as opposed to consequences that we're coming up with and making, you know,
[00:08:34] like you have to do this or now because you've done this, this happens.
[00:08:38] Really trying to, because for me that's how life works, you know,
[00:08:43] like whatever it is you're doing good or bad, wrong or right,
[00:08:46] there's a natural consequence out there for it.
[00:08:49] And so I think it helped us start kind of going in a direction where, you know,
[00:08:53] if somebody snuck out and did something they weren't supposed to do
[00:08:56] and they got brought back to our door, like we're not going to ground you
[00:09:00] for three weeks and take away your phone and make it so that your life's terrible.
[00:09:04] But also maybe we're not going to come rescue you from the situation
[00:09:08] or you need to make sure you go through with this community service
[00:09:11] or whatever has come up and stemmed from it that you need to now figure out
[00:09:17] as part of your growth.
[00:09:19] And I feel like that's been helpful in a lot of ways too
[00:09:22] to not feel like we're constantly trying to shut down.
[00:09:28] Like you need to do this because of this behavior that was bad, you know?
[00:09:31] It helped us create a space where we were more supportive
[00:09:35] and more understanding and learning along with them
[00:09:38] instead of telling them what's right and what's wrong
[00:09:41] and here's what you have to do to make sure it's right.
[00:09:43] Yeah, for sure the lessons that are being learned,
[00:09:46] I mean we're learning the lesson as the parent
[00:09:48] because a lot of these situations haven't happened to us before.
[00:09:53] So it's not like we read the parenting manuals like,
[00:09:55] okay, flipped to chapter, you know, 12
[00:09:58] and you're going to be able to find your answer here on what to do as a parent.
[00:10:01] But I know the big thing is trust.
[00:10:05] Like if something happens and one of the kids are violating our trust,
[00:10:09] then the next time they ask permission to do something,
[00:10:11] it's probably going to be a no.
[00:10:14] And like again, it was sneaking out or using a car
[00:10:17] or you know, whatever the situation may be,
[00:10:22] I'm probably most likely 100% going to say no.
[00:10:25] Probably most likely 100% to those.
[00:10:28] Right, that's trying to seem like really nice.
[00:10:30] I feel like I'm the mean one because I'm like, no,
[00:10:32] you violated my trust.
[00:10:35] I gave you the benefit of the doubt, granted permission said it would be okay
[00:10:38] and you took advantage of that and now what?
[00:10:43] Like what would you do if you were the parent in this situation
[00:10:46] and I wouldn't blame our kids if they're like one mother parent
[00:10:49] and I can't make the decision like that's facts.
[00:10:52] I get that.
[00:10:54] However, we need to do what's right
[00:10:56] and we at that point don't know what's right.
[00:10:58] So you violated trust.
[00:11:00] You can't do this.
[00:11:02] Let's see how long it's going to take and then there's the question of,
[00:11:05] well, how long is it going to take to earn that trust back?
[00:11:09] I have no idea.
[00:11:10] Again, a question I can't answer right now.
[00:11:12] Like it's difficult.
[00:11:14] Just show the effort.
[00:11:16] Show that you're willing.
[00:11:18] One thing we've really tried to reiterate to our kids
[00:11:22] throughout the years is reciprocity.
[00:11:25] The concept of reciprocity in relationships.
[00:11:28] I feel like I've been a broken record for the last decade
[00:11:33] talking about reciprocity and how important it is
[00:11:36] and that's exactly what I think of when you talk about trust, Tiff,
[00:11:41] is relationships have to go both ways.
[00:11:46] And so you give a little, I give a little,
[00:11:49] you take a little, I take a little and it's like,
[00:11:51] of course different when it's a parent child,
[00:11:54] the child owes the parent absolutely nothing, you know,
[00:11:58] but they will learn that it's to their benefit in every area of life,
[00:12:04] not just with their parental relationship.
[00:12:07] If I want something good to come of this relationship,
[00:12:12] if I want to enjoy this relationship to the fullest,
[00:12:15] if I want to get the most out of this person,
[00:12:17] I need to show up with honesty, kindness, respect, all of these things.
[00:12:22] And when I do naturally that is reciprocated.
[00:12:28] And so I don't know, I just think that's an important concept
[00:12:31] that they can carry into their future relationships outside of the family
[00:12:37] that reciprocity matters and what you put in is what you're going to receive back.
[00:12:44] Yeah, and the idea too that just the same as like progress in your life,
[00:12:50] we always talk about how if you're not just staying in the same place,
[00:12:56] you're either going forward and growing or you're moving backward and regressing.
[00:13:00] Even though oftentimes I think we feel like we're just treading water
[00:13:03] and staying in the same place, it's usually one or the other.
[00:13:07] And that in the same idea with reciprocity that like relationships
[00:13:12] are always reciprocal. It's just, is it reciprocal in a way that is positive
[00:13:17] and growing and moving in a good direction or is it reciprocal
[00:13:20] in a way that is going the way you don't want a relationship to go?
[00:13:24] And so keeping that in mind with everything.
[00:13:28] Just comparing the bubble and how that eventually evolves into discussions,
[00:13:35] lengthy discussions, natural consequences,
[00:13:38] discussing those in the lengthy discussions and how that compares to a traditional punishment
[00:13:45] that each of us probably likely experienced in our childhood
[00:13:49] and it made me think about like just trying to compare,
[00:13:53] go back and think about my punishments.
[00:13:56] When I was grounded as a teenager for instance
[00:13:58] and what impact that had on my life as far as it correcting the negative behavior.
[00:14:07] And if I'm being perfectly honest, none of my traditional punishments ever changed,
[00:14:16] ever convinced me to change whatever the negative behavior was.
[00:14:22] So I take that situation, take that memory, those memories
[00:14:28] and compare it to what we're doing here.
[00:14:32] And it's really easy for me to use the bubble as a tool
[00:14:40] to open up just general, open honest communication with our children
[00:14:46] two-way communication but ultimately trying to get them to speak up
[00:14:51] whereas typically normally traditionally they would not.
[00:14:56] They would just keep it a secret and try and get away with whatever is going on.
[00:14:59] But it makes me think my punishments didn't work.
[00:15:06] Whatever the goal was, you don't want me to break that rule again.
[00:15:12] The punishment didn't work.
[00:15:15] So what is going to work?
[00:15:18] I don't know.
[00:15:18] Just if I'm making any sense, we're trying something different
[00:15:23] and one of the reasons is because one of the reasons that I'm using it
[00:15:30] and I like it, I like the long lectures which have changed behavior.
[00:15:38] Like I've witnessed it change behavior in our kids.
[00:15:40] Not saying that it's perfect but I'm saying what we're doing
[00:15:44] I can see that it's working better than the punishments for my childhood
[00:15:50] as far as if the goal is for honest open communication,
[00:15:56] that type of connection with your kid.
[00:15:59] How common is that?
[00:16:00] I don't think it's very common and we're doing it.
[00:16:05] So I think it's great.
[00:16:07] I think when your child is making a decision out of fear
[00:16:13] you're not doing it right.
[00:16:15] If they're afraid that you're going to physically hurt them
[00:16:19] if they don't do something or they do something
[00:16:22] or if they're afraid even of being grounded for a month.
[00:16:27] That's not the motivation.
[00:16:29] It's like we want to instill the right motivation
[00:16:34] and these long ass lectures we give our kids
[00:16:37] or really they're just conversations that we have with them
[00:16:42] that I'm sure feel like a punishment to them
[00:16:45] are really helping them figure out
[00:16:49] what the motivation is to make that healthy choice.
[00:16:53] It's like really working with them to figure out
[00:16:55] how can I be most happy in my life?
[00:16:59] How can I be most healthy?
[00:17:00] How can I make life work out more in my favor?
[00:17:04] And I think back to my early years as a mother.
[00:17:10] I mean I have so many regrets.
[00:17:13] It's one of the very toughest things about your children
[00:17:17] getting older and having real world problems
[00:17:21] and big kid issues and looking back and thinking
[00:17:25] oh my god I could have done so many things better
[00:17:29] and I remember being a young mom and I had a four year old
[00:17:33] and a nine month old I believe.
[00:17:36] And they were kind of running circles around me
[00:17:39] and my mother-in-law came to visit
[00:17:42] and I was overwhelmed
[00:17:47] and I remember my oldest four year old was just like
[00:17:51] kind of what she felt was kind of out of control
[00:17:55] and I had refused to spank before that
[00:18:00] and I had taken, I had read every parenting book
[00:18:04] I was trying so hard but it was like this new age way of parenting
[00:18:09] and my sister Bryn was very anti-spanking
[00:18:12] and I was determined never to hit my kids
[00:18:16] and I remember my mother-in-law saying
[00:18:19] you need to put the fear of God in them.
[00:18:22] That's the sentence that I remember her saying
[00:18:24] is he's running circles around you
[00:18:26] and you need to put the fear of God in him
[00:18:28] and I remember thinking like you're right
[00:18:31] I need to put the fear of God
[00:18:34] and they need to be afraid.
[00:18:37] I remember literally thinking that
[00:18:39] and we started spanking our kids
[00:18:44] and it was still very rarely
[00:18:46] and it was done in a way that was like we warned them
[00:18:50] and if they break the rule then we sit them down
[00:18:53] and we talk to them and say, you know
[00:18:56] I don't want to have to do this
[00:18:58] but this is the consequence that we talked about
[00:19:01] and you made that choice and then we would spank our kid
[00:19:03] and then Jake and I probably would both cry
[00:19:07] it was fucking horrible
[00:19:09] and I remember one time about to spank Thomas
[00:19:15] and he looked at me and he was so scared
[00:19:20] and he said, but I'm just a little guy
[00:19:22] and I broke down crying
[00:19:26] and I absolutely could not lay a hand on him
[00:19:33] and I am just so grateful that our hearts
[00:19:40] were leading us away from fear-based parenting
[00:19:44] and more into love-based parenting
[00:19:46] and I wish so much that I could go back
[00:19:51] to when my children were little with what I know now
[00:19:54] and really sit with them
[00:19:57] and help them understand the consequences of choices
[00:20:01] instead of making them afraid to not make the right one
[00:20:05] but I can't go back
[00:20:07] so all we can do is do our best now
[00:20:09] but if you have little kids
[00:20:12] I hope you'll hear me when I say
[00:20:16] please try to use more love
[00:20:19] and less fear mongering in your parenting
[00:20:22] because when your children get older
[00:20:25] you'll be so grateful that you built a foundation of love
[00:20:28] and not a foundation of lies and fear
[00:20:32] you know
[00:20:33] Yeah, there's such a core element to what you're describing
[00:20:38] at least from my perspective that I'm thinking about here
[00:20:41] that is what it all comes down to
[00:20:44] and what it's based in
[00:20:46] is that just as human beings
[00:20:48] living and trying to survive
[00:20:50] control is such a huge aspect of everything
[00:20:53] from a parent's perspective in that situation
[00:20:55] the control is I'm worried my child might
[00:20:59] turn into this or be this or do this
[00:21:02] or act out or be something to someone else they shouldn't be
[00:21:05] and so I want to do what I need to do
[00:21:09] to make sure they don't do it
[00:21:10] and from the child's perspective
[00:21:12] they're not in control at all most of the time
[00:21:16] you know and so to take a situation
[00:21:19] where there's a consequence because
[00:21:21] a child isn't doing something correctly
[00:21:24] and to remove the element of control from the parent
[00:21:29] and put it into the hands of everyone together
[00:21:32] trying to figure it out
[00:21:33] it creates a different level of inclusion
[00:21:38] for kids that like
[00:21:41] Jake was expressing about
[00:21:43] however he was punished when he was younger too
[00:21:45] I thought I was about to have the smartest comment
[00:21:47] and then you just kept talking
[00:21:48] I'm like oh no he's saying everything
[00:21:50] he's got it
[00:21:52] but it made me think of my own situations too
[00:21:56] and same thing
[00:21:57] it was just going to be the same punishment
[00:21:59] over and over again
[00:22:00] which took the control out of my hands
[00:22:03] and made me want to have the control back
[00:22:05] and I think that when from a young age
[00:22:07] if you can put kids in a situation
[00:22:11] when it comes to learning and consequences
[00:22:12] where you're asking them
[00:22:15] like what do you think we should do
[00:22:17] like what do you think is the best thing
[00:22:19] to make sure that you've learned from this
[00:22:22] and that we're handling it well
[00:22:24] and including them in that choice
[00:22:27] it makes a huge probably all of the difference
[00:22:30] It's empowering
[00:22:31] Yeah
[00:22:31] And just for them to understand
[00:22:34] and realize it was their choice
[00:22:37] It wasn't our choice
[00:22:39] for them to behave a certain way
[00:22:41] or act and do something that would be disappointing
[00:22:44] or that was wrong
[00:22:46] we're not the ones making that choice
[00:22:48] it's their choice
[00:22:50] and in that communication
[00:22:52] they're learning
[00:22:53] they're building that lesson
[00:22:55] and hopefully they won't do it again
[00:22:58] but it's just reminding them
[00:22:59] and letting them see the big picture
[00:23:01] you are making the call
[00:23:04] it's not us that are punishing you
[00:23:06] with this lecture or this talk
[00:23:09] it's happening because we care
[00:23:10] and we love you
[00:23:11] and we want you safe
[00:23:13] and we want you happy
[00:23:14] but you need to make better choices
[00:23:17] and I think
[00:23:18] a lot of the times like when our kids text us
[00:23:21] and they're like hey can we
[00:23:22] can we do this tonight
[00:23:23] and you know Jake and I will talk it over
[00:23:26] and it's one of us will usually say
[00:23:28] like make good choices
[00:23:29] love you
[00:23:30] it's just common
[00:23:32] to remind them like this is on you
[00:23:35] love that
[00:23:36] damn you are fine Tiff
[00:23:38] for being so mindful
[00:23:40] you're welcome
[00:23:41] I was just thinking as you were talking
[00:23:45] about how this is on you
[00:23:48] and this is your choice
[00:23:49] and those things
[00:23:50] it's like getting away
[00:23:53] from teaching your children
[00:23:55] bad and good
[00:23:57] right and wrong
[00:23:58] good versus evil
[00:24:00] I think is extremely helpful
[00:24:02] if you teach your children
[00:24:04] to think about their actions
[00:24:06] in terms of what is healthy for me
[00:24:09] what is healthy
[00:24:10] what is unhealthy
[00:24:11] what is going to bring me more happiness
[00:24:14] what is going to bring me
[00:24:16] more complication and misery
[00:24:18] in my life
[00:24:19] and if you teach your kids
[00:24:22] you know I just have found that
[00:24:24] to be more helpful than
[00:24:26] that is bad you know
[00:24:28] in my personal spiritual views
[00:24:31] and philosophical views
[00:24:33] I just consider everything
[00:24:35] kind of neutral
[00:24:36] everything is neutral
[00:24:37] and so it depends on the circumstance
[00:24:40] even frickin murder
[00:24:42] if there was somebody trying to murder my child
[00:24:45] better fuckin believe I'd murder them
[00:24:47] and I would be justified in it
[00:24:48] so you know
[00:24:49] it's like everything is neutral
[00:24:51] what is healthy
[00:24:52] what is going to lead to your happiness
[00:24:54] and if we can just teach our children
[00:24:55] program our children
[00:24:57] to be thinking in terms of
[00:25:00] what helps me
[00:25:01] you know
[00:25:02] what long term brings me happiness
[00:25:04] what is my goal
[00:25:06] and does this choice
[00:25:07] get me closer to it
[00:25:09] instead of
[00:25:10] oh this is evil
[00:25:11] God said this is bad
[00:25:13] and I'm going to be punished
[00:25:14] and that's kind of like
[00:25:15] what we model parenting after
[00:25:17] is this like
[00:25:18] interesting model
[00:25:20] that religion
[00:25:21] has cast upon our
[00:25:24] human species of
[00:25:26] good versus evil
[00:25:28] and then that
[00:25:29] means if you do something
[00:25:31] bad
[00:25:32] you sin
[00:25:33] then God will punish you right
[00:25:35] and so then we're like
[00:25:36] well in this house
[00:25:38] we are the God
[00:25:38] and you are this
[00:25:39] you know
[00:25:40] and it just
[00:25:41] makes more sense to me personally
[00:25:43] to think in terms of
[00:25:44] and to reason with children
[00:25:46] in terms of
[00:25:47] what is healthy
[00:25:48] and what is going to bring you happiness
[00:25:51] yeah it's kind of crazy
[00:25:53] to think of
[00:25:54] having a life
[00:25:55] where
[00:25:56] you think that like
[00:25:59] it's inherently bad
[00:26:01] to do bad things
[00:26:02] but you also think that
[00:26:04] you're here
[00:26:05] living this existence
[00:26:07] to learn
[00:26:07] from the mistakes
[00:26:09] you know
[00:26:09] I think if the more we can just
[00:26:11] look at life in general
[00:26:13] and the choices we make
[00:26:14] and the things we go through as
[00:26:15] learning
[00:26:16] then it takes away
[00:26:18] that shame element
[00:26:20] you know that can come along
[00:26:22] and muddy everything
[00:26:23] so I love that
[00:26:24] I think it's great
[00:26:25] very demure
[00:26:26] very
[00:26:27] I think happiness is the key word
[00:26:30] and I
[00:26:30] you know with us doing our love
[00:26:32] language is like
[00:26:32] we know what makes us feel love
[00:26:33] but what makes us feel happy
[00:26:35] and whether it is our choices
[00:26:37] whether it's who
[00:26:38] we are surrounding ourselves with
[00:26:39] and
[00:26:40] positive
[00:26:42] whatever it might be
[00:26:43] instead of negativity
[00:26:45] it's
[00:26:45] a big deal
[00:26:46] you know what I mean
[00:26:47] like I
[00:26:49] I have affirmations that pop on my
[00:26:51] phone all day long
[00:26:52] and one of the one that hit me
[00:26:54] hard today was
[00:26:55] you know like don't let overthinking
[00:26:56] take away your happiness
[00:26:57] and I'm an over thinker because
[00:26:59] I think I really care at times
[00:27:01] and maybe I shouldn't
[00:27:02] but that's also what makes me happy
[00:27:05] and that's huge
[00:27:07] and for us to learn
[00:27:08] from our children
[00:27:09] what is it that makes you happy
[00:27:11] is it
[00:27:12] outside of those love languages
[00:27:14] is it you know
[00:27:16] whatever
[00:27:16] I don't know
[00:27:17] but having that
[00:27:19] understanding and communicate with them
[00:27:21] and if they make a good choice
[00:27:22] are we validating it
[00:27:23] and praising them
[00:27:24] and congratulating them for it
[00:27:26] and just making them feel uplifted
[00:27:28] like yeah
[00:27:29] I could have done something
[00:27:30] really shitty last night
[00:27:31] but I made the right choice
[00:27:33] and I feel happy about it
[00:27:35] so yeah
[00:27:37] I'm like
[00:27:39] well this has been great
[00:27:42] and I appreciate all of you
[00:27:44] and
[00:27:45] also one last thing
[00:27:47] I thought of when you were saying that
[00:27:49] is like
[00:27:50] I like to ask my children
[00:27:51] are you proud of yourself
[00:27:53] instead of just saying
[00:27:54] I'm proud of you
[00:27:56] I like to turn it around
[00:27:58] and help them realize
[00:28:00] they have every reason
[00:28:01] to be proud of themselves too
[00:28:03] you know
[00:28:03] it's like cultivating that
[00:28:05] self love
[00:28:06] like oh my god
[00:28:07] are you so proud of yourself
[00:28:09] absolutely
[00:28:10] I like that a lot
[00:28:12] yeah since I'm a math guy
[00:28:13] sometimes when I'm trying to say the same thing
[00:28:16] or trying to accomplish the same thing
[00:28:18] I ask them to give themselves a grade
[00:28:21] yeah
[00:28:22] would you give yourself an A plus
[00:28:24] would you give yourself a D minus
[00:28:27] 32
[00:28:29] little self assessment
[00:28:31] and inclusion
[00:28:33] yeah
[00:28:34] just hopefully
[00:28:36] aiming for a desire to do better next time
[00:28:39] even if you are doing a good job
[00:28:40] yeah and just teaches them to
[00:28:44] have their opinion of themselves
[00:28:46] be the one that matters most
[00:28:47] and that's such a huge thing
[00:28:49] self reflection
[00:28:52] high fives all around everybody
[00:28:54] good to one
[00:28:55] two
[00:28:56] go
[00:28:57] I'm faking the high fives into the microphone right now
[00:29:00] nailed it
[00:29:02] boom
[00:29:02] look at the elbows
[00:29:03] that's right
[00:29:04] thanks everybody
[00:29:05] we'll see you next time
[00:29:07] next time
[00:29:07] bye
[00:29:08] bye
[00:29:11] four parents nine kids two houses
[00:29:13] didn't really want to talk about this
[00:29:16] four parents nine kids some queer
[00:29:19] one things clear there's no dysfunction here
[00:29:22] four parents nine kids two houses
[00:29:24] didn't really want to talk about this
[00:29:27] four parents nine kids some queer
[00:29:30] one things clear there's no dysfunction here
[00:29:33] Dave, hand me a beer