In episode 8, we spitball the struggles of parenting with our upbringings, the world surrounding our children and how we're going to figure it all out.
[00:00:01] Four parents, nine kids, two houses, didn't really wanna talk about this. Four parents, nine kids, I'm queer, one thing's clear, there's no dysfunction here. Four parents, nine kids, two houses, didn't really want-
[00:00:18] Four parents, nine kids, I'm queer, one thing's clear, there's no dysfunction-
[00:00:30] Hello my boy, my friends!
[00:00:32] Good start!
[00:00:34] Episode number...
[00:00:36] Eight?
[00:00:36] Is it?
[00:00:37] Yeah!
[00:00:37] Because that comes up to seven, seven, eight, nine, yeah.
[00:00:40] Look at us!
[00:00:41] I've saved a surprise for you guys for this eighth episode.
[00:00:45] Whoa!
[00:00:45] Um, you may notice if you look over Jake's shoulder that we are now sponsored by Minute Maid.
[00:00:53] Lays brand potato chips, Arrowhead water, and Skinny Pop popcorn.
[00:00:58] I thought you were gonna finally let us see your third nipple.
[00:01:01] I thought I sent that picture, did I not send the picture?
[00:01:04] That was just to me.
[00:01:05] Oh, my bad.
[00:01:07] Video where it doesn't count.
[00:01:08] More grotesque.
[00:01:09] Yeah.
[00:01:11] The video's more enticing anyway.
[00:01:13] Yeah.
[00:01:14] It feels awkward to just stare at the camera.
[00:01:17] Is anyone else-
[00:01:18] I can't see AJ's face.
[00:01:20] I'm looking at Tiff and also Tiff.
[00:01:24] And Jake and also Jake.
[00:01:26] It feels like it's been a while since we did one before.
[00:01:29] Like, it's a little bit of a vacation.
[00:01:31] Yeah.
[00:01:33] Yeah.
[00:01:33] Yeah.
[00:01:34] We did a staycation in Scottsdale for three days.
[00:01:38] And then we went to Albuquerque, took most of the kiddos and did the Albuquerque balloon fiesta.
[00:01:45] It was so cool.
[00:01:48] It was probably a unique experience.
[00:01:49] I saw Chris and Leo, some of our best friends.
[00:01:52] Hi!
[00:01:53] It was very nice.
[00:01:55] It really was great.
[00:01:55] Actually, it was like one of the best little trips, like both the staycation and Albuquerque.
[00:02:01] I thought it was so great.
[00:02:03] The whole family.
[00:02:04] That house was amazing.
[00:02:05] This house in Scottsdale, Tiff found it.
[00:02:08] Amazing.
[00:02:09] It had like a basketball, pool, a fire pit, a swimming pool, a jacuzzi, a game room situation.
[00:02:18] Tons of cool stuff.
[00:02:19] I liked it so much.
[00:02:20] Tell them about the neighbor's yard sign.
[00:02:21] I was going to say I liked it so much that I'm going to put a sign in my own yard that
[00:02:25] says, hotels not homes.
[00:02:27] We were thinking about, talking about, what is appropriate to teach your kids and what
[00:02:36] is best left for them to figure out on their own.
[00:02:41] As nature dictates, when you birth a child into the world or adopt or whatever and you're
[00:02:50] rearing a child, the human who brought the child into the world or is caring for that child
[00:02:57] has more experience, has more knowledge, has an understanding that the child doesn't
[00:03:02] have about how to navigate the world.
[00:03:04] And so there are, you know, just natural things that have to be taught to kids.
[00:03:09] And you see that in nature.
[00:03:11] You see the lion teaching the cub to hunt or whatnot.
[00:03:15] But I think that we collectively feel like we were programmed in a lot of ways that weren't
[00:03:26] necessary to be safe and okay in the world.
[00:03:31] Maybe things that our parents thought were the right thing that they told us was absolute truth, but it's not fact.
[00:03:39] It's actually opinion or theory.
[00:03:42] And so what is appropriate to teach our children?
[00:03:47] Is it appropriate to teach a child that, like I was taught, that one religion is the only way to be happy?
[00:03:55] It's the only true church.
[00:03:57] It's the only way to get to heaven.
[00:03:58] Or that only Democrats are the ones that should be in charge always.
[00:04:06] Or that only men and women should be married or only white people and, you know, wealthy, you know, whatever it is.
[00:04:17] Because like there are so many different areas that we end up teaching our children and it's kind of inevitable.
[00:04:26] But what are your thoughts?
[00:04:28] I think because there's been just being a parent is natural trial and error in all of this, you know.
[00:04:34] And I think that for me, what I feel like I've kind of settled on and what makes the most sense is that I think it's very important actually to express to your kids all of your beliefs.
[00:04:47] Like whatever you feel is good or whatever you might feel isn't so great.
[00:04:54] And on every subject, religion, education, politics, whatever, what do you feel about it?
[00:05:03] With always the caveat that these are just my opinions.
[00:05:07] These are just my feelings.
[00:05:08] This is how I feel based off of my experience and the filters I have and the lenses and perspective that I've gained throughout life and things that have happened to me or things that I feel like I've learned.
[00:05:20] And never, ever put an expectation on your children that they also need to feel and believe those same things.
[00:05:28] I think that, I mean, especially if you feel happy, if you feel good, if you feel joyous in what you're doing and what you're experiencing, I think you should absolutely express those things to your kids so that they know that for you this works.
[00:05:44] And for you this is what I found helps.
[00:05:46] And let them figure out, you know, what works best for themselves.
[00:05:49] And I think that there, it's such a balance and fine line of like, outside of just those things, it's a balance and fine line of like, you also feel like there are things that like, are almost kind of universally true in a way, like treating people with kindness and respect and whatever, you know, things along that line.
[00:06:11] And, and, and I feel like what you can do is teach that kindness and respect and helping people, you know, helping people out or whatever it might be, that it might look different for other people.
[00:06:26] You know, like, maybe the way I show kindness and respect or help other people, people out is different from the way that maybe you could or you will.
[00:06:35] And it's okay, as long as it's truly something that's coming from, you know, a place of goodness and kindness and you're wanting to help or whatever it might be.
[00:06:44] I agree 100%.
[00:06:45] And I, I try to be a real stickler about that with just, you know, letting, you know, sticking to facts and sticking to or versus what I believe, you know, if I'm teaching you how to do a mathematical equation, then I could say this is the way, you know,
[00:07:05] this is how you do it, this is the correct answer, but there's other ways to come to the correct answer as well.
[00:07:12] This is the way that I know.
[00:07:15] And maybe I know two or three different ways.
[00:07:18] And this is the way that I think is best.
[00:07:20] This is what makes most sense to me or easiest to figure out or whatever.
[00:07:23] So there's facts and, but, you know, I haven't always been this way.
[00:07:29] Um, but I try to be real careful with myself now when it's not proven, when it's not factual.
[00:07:38] Um, just to say, you know, typically start with just the words, I don't know.
[00:07:44] Yeah.
[00:07:45] I don't know.
[00:07:46] But this is what I think.
[00:07:47] This is what I believe with my life experience.
[00:07:50] This is what I want to teach you.
[00:07:53] Um, but I don't know what the best way is.
[00:07:55] I don't know what the answer is.
[00:07:58] The hardest part about being a parent now is feeling like, okay, I've maybe figured some things out about how to chill out a little bit and how to trust, uh, trust that it's going to be okay, you know, and like thinking about the first thing.
[00:08:15] And then the first multiple years of being a parent and being like, I came from a place where I was told this is right.
[00:08:20] This is wrong.
[00:08:21] This is good.
[00:08:21] This is bad.
[00:08:22] And so naturally I went right into parenting a way that was, this is right.
[00:08:26] This is wrong.
[00:08:26] This is good.
[00:08:27] This is bad.
[00:08:27] You do this.
[00:08:28] You don't do this.
[00:08:28] And you're in trouble if you do.
[00:08:29] You're not if you don't, you know, everything was.
[00:08:33] And so it's hard to look back and be like, oh, there was a lot of wrong things done by me back then or whatever, you know, but it's the growth and it's the recognition, recognizing and, and it's the
[00:08:45] And being able to think about it next time.
[00:08:47] And maybe it takes five more times.
[00:08:49] I'm like, now I'm doing it differently.
[00:08:50] And that's good.
[00:08:51] And I feel good about that.
[00:08:53] I think everything AJ just said were like my little checkpoints.
[00:08:56] I wanted to say, I'm like, okay, he just said that.
[00:08:58] He just said that.
[00:08:59] But the main thing is when we have a kid and they're growing as like, you know, baby toddler.
[00:09:05] And now they're in the tween era of their lives.
[00:09:09] They're developing a personality.
[00:09:11] Like they're following our guidance all of this time while we're learning what should we say?
[00:09:16] What shouldn't we say?
[00:09:17] And once that personality starts to build and they get to realize what's right, what's wrong, now their input is valuable.
[00:09:25] And listening to what that input is, because we might learn something from them.
[00:09:30] And they have all of their peers and their teachers.
[00:09:34] There's so much surrounding them that's providing knowledge.
[00:09:37] And they're like, well, that's not what my parents do.
[00:09:40] But they're saying this is right.
[00:09:42] So now they have the choice of which adult that I respect should I be listening to.
[00:09:48] So it goes back to communication.
[00:09:50] Like allow your kids to talk to you, like talk with the parents because who knows what's right and wrong.
[00:09:57] Like Jake said, like, it's my opinion.
[00:10:00] So I think that's the only other big thing I had other everything that came out of your mouth, AJ.
[00:10:04] I'm so sorry.
[00:10:05] No, you were perfect.
[00:10:07] Good job.
[00:10:07] This wealth of, this wellspring of wisdom.
[00:10:11] Oh, I have to keep it in my mind.
[00:10:13] So we were all brought up in a black and white world where everything was like right and wrong.
[00:10:20] Yes or no, evil or righteous, you know?
[00:10:24] And so we did begin parenting that way.
[00:10:29] And I think that, you know, well, for instance, the other day our youngest had a friend over and they were looking at phone cases.
[00:10:41] And Anthony really liked a pink one that had flowers on it.
[00:10:45] And his friend was like, oh, that one's for girls.
[00:10:48] And Anthony's like, I don't believe in four girls or four boys, you know?
[00:10:53] But if...
[00:10:53] Go, Anthony.
[00:10:54] Yeah.
[00:10:56] Yeah.
[00:10:56] But if one of my oldest kids at maybe like younger, like six or seven, they probably would have said that same thing, you know?
[00:11:07] They, I was teaching that to my little kids is, you know, pink is for girl.
[00:11:14] I don't know if I went that far because I was even adamant that my girl didn't wear pink.
[00:11:18] I never liked those good things.
[00:11:20] But like a lot of stuff like that, like marriage is supposed to be for a man and a woman.
[00:11:25] And that is what God said.
[00:11:27] That is really what I was teaching our children when they were little.
[00:11:32] And I was doing what I thought was what God wanted me to do.
[00:11:37] And so as we grow and evolve and, and figure things out, you know, Oprah always says like, when we know better, we do better.
[00:11:48] And that's all we can do, you know?
[00:11:52] And so while that wasn't the best thing for me to be teaching our children when they were little, that marriage is and boys are this and girls are this.
[00:12:05] And that's what, you know, like AJ said, we have to just look at it and say, we were doing our best, but also allow for that safety and openness and communication to have those conversations.
[00:12:19] Like, Hey, I was teaching you this because that's what I thought.
[00:12:23] And I've done some learning and I've done some growing and, and now this is what I think.
[00:12:28] How do you feel?
[00:12:29] And what are your thoughts?
[00:12:30] And really teaching our kids not to view the world through our eyes, but to view it through their own and to tune in to what makes me genuinely happy.
[00:12:42] What makes me thrilled about life and, and to do those things, what makes me feel good?
[00:12:49] Does it feel good to eat nothing but talkies for three hours straight?
[00:12:55] No, probably not.
[00:12:57] Maybe so sometimes, but just teaching them to really be honest with themselves and think critically about things.
[00:13:04] How, what's the trajectory of this kind of thinking, you know, for society, how does this affect people?
[00:13:11] And, and so instead of teaching our kids anything really about philosophical, anything we can share opinions and then just teach them to tune into their own intelligence, their own compass, their own guidance system.
[00:13:26] We all have it.
[00:13:27] And to, to teach them to just question everything, I think is really important.
[00:13:33] Even the things we teach them.
[00:13:35] Agreed.
[00:13:36] I even, like, especially the things I think that we teach them.
[00:13:41] Anything coming from someone who is your trusted provider as like, in some ways, a helpless human being starting out and like growing and figuring life out, developing yourself.
[00:13:52] Like the people who have the most influence on you are your parents, siblings, people that are there all the time.
[00:14:01] And so if your parents are telling you, this is what's real, this is what you have to worry about.
[00:14:07] This is, you know, I see it a lot like in politics.
[00:14:09] I think you guys will maybe understand this.
[00:14:13] But like, for example, where I work the other day, an older gentleman came in with a younger boy who was probably 16, 17.
[00:14:23] And it was a kind of an obvious grandfather, grandson situation.
[00:14:30] He was buying him food and they were eating lunch.
[00:14:33] Yeah.
[00:14:34] And he was decked out in a certain candidates like stuff, head to toe, you know.
[00:14:41] So funeral.
[00:14:43] Yes, correct.
[00:14:45] And then the grandfather figure.
[00:14:48] And I have to take their order because I just happened to be there right when it was happening.
[00:14:52] And there were multiple times throughout the transaction that this grandfather said something to his grandson about why something was a certain way because of who's in charge of the presidency.
[00:15:06] And the 16 year old kid is just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know.
[00:15:11] And I think he's probably thinking like, I don't even care, you know, like whatever.
[00:15:15] But it lives in him, you know, and he gets older, he has a family if he does, has a career, whatever it is.
[00:15:23] And those things start to influence the way he's looking at everything and the decisions he makes.
[00:15:27] And even marrying someone like, he might be like keen on a decision about what she needs to do to be happy and like based off of what his grandpa was telling him.
[00:15:37] It's factual.
[00:15:38] This is how it works, you know.
[00:15:40] And that's what we came up through and what we're trying, I feel like to break is getting away from that and getting to a place where it's all just, we don't know.
[00:15:54] Like I said, I don't know, but I'll try to figure it out.
[00:16:00] For sure.
[00:16:02] Toby, when you were mentioning like the example about, you know, teaching marriages between a man and a woman and then, and then, and then growing and learning beyond that.
[00:16:14] Um, I just wanted to add and see if you agree, like, like, uh, whether or not you grew into believing something different, like in this situation, when it comes to teaching our kids is kind of irrelevant.
[00:16:29] Just the, just like, it's okay to teach that if you want to teach that, but you don't teach it as fact.
[00:16:36] You teach it as what you believe.
[00:16:38] Like, this is like, I believe that, that God, you know, I believe in God.
[00:16:44] I believe that God exists.
[00:16:46] And I believe that man and woman are meant to be together in matrimony.
[00:16:52] Like, this is what I believe, but other people believe this and other people believe that, that kind of thing.
[00:16:57] Yeah, I agree.
[00:17:00] I think that's what AJ was saying too, I think is like, teach, share with your kids, whatever you want to share.
[00:17:09] I think it's how and not what that really matters.
[00:17:12] You know, I have siblings who are still Mormon and they're amazing people and wonderful parents.
[00:17:21] And they're, they might be teaching their kids something different, but it's how it's taught to say, these are my beliefs.
[00:17:32] What, what I was taught in religion is this is fact and you're not going to be okay if you don't live like we're telling you to live.
[00:17:41] But if, if someone truly believes in a religion and they say, this is my belief and it has brought me happiness and it might bring you happiness too, and it might not.
[00:17:51] But these are the values I choose to live and they're working for me.
[00:17:55] But I want you to know that no matter what you choose to live by, that makes you happy, I want to support your happiness.
[00:18:05] And so I think it's, it's more of the, the how in my opinion.
[00:18:10] Agreed.
[00:18:11] You can't just, you, there has to be like truth in the action too, you know, like you have to be able to say, these are my beliefs, but I really do support you.
[00:18:22] And whatever is going to make you happy and healthy.
[00:18:25] And even if it's completely different from what I believe, and then you follow through on that.
[00:18:30] Like you have, you have to be truthful in that, you know, you can't just say it and be like, I hope they really do what they need to do.
[00:18:38] You know, like, it's not necessarily that.
[00:18:41] And I agree.
[00:18:42] That's exactly what it is.
[00:18:43] It's like you, you just have to make sure that it's clear through words and action that you mean what you say, whatever they're doing for their happiness that you support it.
[00:18:53] And you love them.
[00:18:54] And it's good.
[00:18:55] I think it's absolutely, that's yeah, that is what I was saying is that whatever your beliefs are, you should share them and share how they positively impacted you or why you feel so strongly about them.
[00:19:07] And then say, and it does not matter to me if you believe any of it or do any of it or think any of it.
[00:19:15] I just want you to be happy.
[00:19:16] Yeah.
[00:19:17] I think, um, just kind of a step beyond like, so yeah, we've all learned how to do that.
[00:19:24] And we all try our best to do that with our kids, but we're not the only people that our kids are learning from, you know, the, so I think about aunts and uncles and cousins and grandmas and grandpas like coming over, we go over to their place and, and, uh, and then we're going to be a little bit more.
[00:19:46] And the things that, that our kids are learning from them as well.
[00:19:50] Um, and so I try to, I try to bring that up when I hear something, not, it's not that I don't, it's not like that.
[00:19:58] I didn't like what you said.
[00:19:59] It's not like that.
[00:20:00] I didn't, that I didn't like what you taught and it's not whether or not I disagree or agree with it.
[00:20:06] That is all irrelevant.
[00:20:08] It's the way that you said it.
[00:20:09] You said it as if it was a fact when like, if we're talking about religion, you said it as if it was a fact.
[00:20:16] And when you are trying to teach my kids what you believe, I need you to quote it.
[00:20:22] I need you to say it that you, this is what you believe.
[00:20:25] This is what you have faith in.
[00:20:26] You can't like when it comes to teaching my kids, you're not going to say it like it's a fact.
[00:20:32] Otherwise prove it to me.
[00:20:34] Right.
[00:20:35] I agree a million percent.
[00:20:37] And I do, I appreciate that.
[00:20:39] And I think it's, it's important for us as our children's guardians to, to have those conversations sometimes to protect them in that way.
[00:20:48] To be like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
[00:20:50] You're still willing to share all of it.
[00:20:52] Yeah.
[00:20:53] But it is.
[00:20:54] Yeah, for sure.
[00:20:56] I love that.
[00:20:57] I love it all.
[00:20:58] I love this entire conversation.
[00:21:00] I, I saw somewhere sometime and it just stuck with me.
[00:21:05] And it applies to more than in my perspective, just the idea of religion.
[00:21:10] I think it applies to everything in life, but the, the idea that somewhere along the way somebody got really smart and was like, we should stop talking about beliefs and we should just start talking about knowledge, truth.
[00:21:24] What is, because when you drill into somebody, what is, and what is true and what is absolute good or absolute bad, there's no room for questioning.
[00:21:35] There's no room for growth, really.
[00:21:37] There's no room for anything other than abiding by that system and those rules.
[00:21:44] And so it keeps people in a place of feeling almost fake safe, you know, a false safety because you think, okay, I've got the right thing.
[00:21:52] I'm doing the right thing.
[00:21:53] It'll all work out.
[00:21:56] And, or if they go against it, then it makes them feel like absolute shit.
[00:22:01] Absolutely.
[00:22:02] Absolutely been there.
[00:22:02] Guilty, the worst person ever.
[00:22:04] Yeah, I'm getting there.
[00:22:04] So, yeah, it's just, it's just something that I see more and more people, I think, being open to, and especially the generation after us.
[00:22:16] Like, it's just like, it's just amazing to see how they're like, we don't even feel like we need to have these conversations.
[00:22:23] Why aren't you guys like talking about this?
[00:22:26] You know, like, I think they get so much intuitively that has taken us a long time to figure out because we are maybe working against a lot from our childhood and the way we were told.
[00:22:38] We're going to have to have to have a lot of people that are really wrong.
[00:22:39] Truth.
[00:22:40] It's a fun show.
[00:22:43] Well, thanks guys.
[00:22:44] This has been lovely.
[00:22:45] Yeah.
[00:22:46] Be sure to love you.
[00:22:47] Let's do it again soon.
[00:22:49] Don't be strangers.
[00:22:50] Oh yeah.
[00:22:51] Same at that time.
[00:22:53] Take care everybody.
[00:22:54] Bye!
[00:22:54] Bye!
[00:22:54] Bye!